


To Thine Own Self Be True

by YrsAeternum



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Everyone Needs A Hug, Family Secrets, Henry Laurens' A+ Parenting, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Past Non-Con, Slow Burn, college antics with a twist, john has some baggage, to put it lightly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:42:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 26,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25832971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YrsAeternum/pseuds/YrsAeternum
Summary: In the span of three years, John Laurens went from going through the motions of his role in the "royal family" of the South Carolina government to being granted full custody of his siblings and having a daughter of his own. When he was awarded a full ride to Columbia, he knew it was a shot he had to take, loading up the Laurens gang into a U-Haul and heading towards a fresh start in New York City.But navigating the woes of college while trying to hide the truth about his past proved harder than he ever imagined it’d be.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Comments: 106
Kudos: 106





	1. initium novum (new beginning)

**Author's Note:**

> _“And fate? No one alive has ever escaped it, neither brave man nor coward, I tell you— it’s born with us the day that we are born.”_   
>  **\- The Iliad**

“You are not wearing that to school.” John said, narrowing his eyes at the nine-year-old standing in front of him dressed in his batman costume from Halloween. Jemmy didn’t seem to agree, crossing his arms and huffing. There truly wasn't enough time for John to stand there and argue with him, but he knew folding to every demand of his siblings was something he needed to work on.

Mustering the best dad-voice he could, John narrowed his eyes and Jemmy seemed to get the message before a word even left his mouth. “You can put it on when you get home. Change, now.” John said, and when Jemmy sulked but stalked off down the hallway to change he considered it a win. Shifting Frances on his hip, he took the brief moment of quiet to pick a few of toys up off the ground, tossing them across the room into the cardboard moving box that they’d been using as a makeshift toy-box. There were still moving boxes everywhere, John having been telling himself that he’d find a sitter to send the kids to and unpack everything _this weekend_ every week for the past month. His stream of thought was interrupted when he heard yelling from down the hall, Frances putting her hands over her ears and leaning into John’s shoulder. He rubbed her back but turned to where Martha and Harry were sitting at the kitchen counter.

“Can you watch her for a sec while I go sort them out?” He said and Martha took the toddler into her own arms, Harry only glaring as John took off down the hallway towards the sound of commotion.

When he reached the doorway of the ‘little kids’ bedroom he was met with Mary-Eleanor sitting on the ground in tears, Jemmy throwing his arms up and insisting he didn’t do anything as soon as John stepped over the threshold. After some coaxing, the five-year-old explained through sniffles that Jemmy was taking too long to brush his hair, and had hit her with the comb when she tried to grab it off of him. Jemmy made an attempt at fleeing the room but stopped in his tracks when John cleared his throat.

“Do you remember when we all sat down and made new family rules?” He said and crossed his arms, Jemmy turning around and giving him a small nod. 

“Tell me the first one.” John continued, Jemmy looking at the ground and mumbling his response. Crouching down, John raised an eyebrow, the nine-year-old chewing on his bottom lip for a beat before repeating himself a little louder. 

“No hitting, ever.” 

Looking back to where Mary-Eleanor was sitting on their air-mattress still sniffling through tears, John gave his little brother’s hand a squeeze and motioned back to their sister with his head. “Apologize and go wait with the big kids.” He said, Jemmy giving the five-year-old a hug and a sincere enough apology for John to let him scamper out.

Picking the comb up from where it had been thrown on the ground John sat down behind Mary-Eleanor, brushing her hair back and pulling a hair tie off of his wrist with his teeth. She seemed to calm completely down in the time it took for him to braid her hair, turning around to hug him before grabbing her backpack and running down the hallway. John followed her out, ducking into his room to grab his own bag and slinging it over his shoulder. Taking Frances back from Martha, he scanned the gaggle of kids in front of him to do a headcount. 

“One, two, three, four- five.” He said, patting Frances’ head on the five and smiling when she giggled. 

Having made sure no one had gone AWOL in the past ten minutes he ushered everyone out the door, grabbing Mary-Eleanor’s hand as they walked down the steps and outside into the humid August air. 

“What if I don’t like kindergarten?” She said quietly, Jemmy whipping around from in front of her before John could respond and walking backward as he talked.

“I did kindergarten in South Carolina at home but it’s probably the same stuff in New York, you get to play more than you do in first grade.” He said, almost tripping over his own heels until Harry grabbed him by the shoulders and pivoted him around to walk normally, huffing. 

John couldn’t remember the last time he had seen Harry in any form of a good mood, and every time the thought crossed his mind he felt overrun with guilt. The younger kids had been too little to fully understand what was going on when their father got taken to court but Harry, previously Henry Jr. until a screaming match was the end of that some odd six months ago, had been in the epicenter of it alongside John and his twin. And while Martha didn’t seem to walk out of it with a grudge against the eldest Laurens sibling, Harry certainly had. 

The first school they hit on the drop off route was the highschool, and Harry walked straight up the steps without so much as a goodbye. Martha turned around to press a kiss to Frances’ forehead, John giving a small smile and squeezing her shoulder.

“You’ll be fine kiddo, look out for your brother.” He said, the teenage girl giving him a solemn nod before walking into the building. 

Daycare drop off was thankfully uneventful, but Central Park East 1 Elementary School posed an entirely different story. There was apparently some sort of error with the way the kid’s registration paperwork had been processed the week before, which resulted in John having to sit in the absent of air-conditioning front office, Mary-Eleanor in his lap while Jemmy paced around unable to sit still. After about twenty minutes the front desk receptionists were finally able to sort the error out, a teacher’s aide coming to get the kids to class. While Jemmy took off without so much as a goodbye, Mary-Eleanor didn’t budge, and the second John tried to set her on the ground she burst into tears.

“No- I- I wanna go to grown up school- with you Jacky,” She got out between sniffles, furling the fabric of John’s shirt in her fists and starting to hyperventilate. The teacher’s aide, to her credit, tried her best to sweet talk Mary-Eleanor off of his lap by telling her how much fun they were going to have, but it took John making about six hundred promises not to abandon her at kindergarten before she finally agreed to go. He watched them walk down the hallway until she was out of view before going to leave himself, one of the front desk receptionists giving him a sympathetic smile

“First days are always hard dad, she’ll be okay.” 

John didn’t have the energy to explain that he was her brother as he rushed out the door, wondering absentmindedly if the past few years had truly aged him enough to look old enough to have a fourth-grader and a kindergartener. Taking a deep restorative breath, he pulled his headphones out of his pocket and stuck them in his ears as he got on the elevator to the subway, turning on his ‘motivational bangers’ playlist as he found the right train to get him to Columbia.  
~~~  
Free of kids for the first time in months, John Laurens almost felt like a normal twenty-year-old as he stepped onto the Columbia University campus. And the knowledge that none of the other students he walked past had any clue who he was made it even better. In South Carolina, his reputation was impossible to escape. People stared at him in the grocery store, put their forks down to watch him with the kids when they walked into restaurants, and the whispers that came with those occurrences weren’t exactly quiet. But he shook those memories out of his head, for the time being, searching out the lecture hall where _Masterpieces of Western Literature and Philosophy_ , the freshmen year core class he was looking forward to the most, was being held. The professor instructed them to have read The Iliad by the first day of class and while the state his life was in meant John hadn’t quite finished it yet, the story never left his mind. 

Sliding into a seat in the back of the lecture hall, John about jumped out of his skin when someone sitting behind him tapped him on the shoulder. Turning around cautiously, half-expecting to have been recognized, he relaxed when he wasn’t met with a grimace, but with a smile and a head full of curly hair like his own.

“You look exhausted, you want a caffeine pill?” The other student said, turning to fish a bottle out of their backpack, John nodding wordlessly and stealing a glance at his reflection in the locked screen of his phone. _Did he really look that tired?_

“Gilbert Lafayette, everyone calls me Laf though, and I use they/them pronouns.” The student continued as they placed the small pill into his hand.

“You’re a first-year too?” John asked as he washed the pill down with a swig of his water bottle, and Lafayette looked like they were about to answer, but the booming voice of their professor speaking into his microphone made John whip back around. He felt a little disheartened that his conversation had been cut short, but after a minute he felt a tap on his shoulder and turned, Lafayette handing him a folded up piece of paper. Turning back to his desk, he carefully unfolded it. 

_Yeah, I’m a first-year. International student from France. You have a name too, or should I just call you Freckles?_

He stifled a laugh, grabbing a pen to write a response on the next line down. Passing notes like they were twelve felt somewhat juvenile, but having grown up at the school-of-the-Laurens-dining-room-table, he never really got to experience that the way everyone else did anyways. 

_John. France is neat. I’m half Puerto Rican but born and raised in the deep south, which is much less fun._

He wrote, re-folding the paper before passing it back behind him. After a minute he felt it being set back down on his shoulder, ignoring the look another student was giving the two of them as he opened it.

_I’m getting brunch with my roommate after this class, you’re welcome to join._

The paper said at the bottom, John smiling and turning around to give Lafayette an affirmative nod before sticking the note in between the pages of his journal and turning his attention to the professor.

Class got out early since they hadn't done much besides go over the syllabus, John walking in lockstep towards the nearest dining hall with Lafayette, who was currently telling him all about their roommate, apparently the most eccentric person they’d ever met which “says a lot, since I’m from Europe.” John laughed, pulling his phone out when he felt it buzz against his thigh.

**Harry**  
_School is boring, can you pick me up???_

John shook his head and shot back a text telling him to put his phone away, immediately pulled away from his worry about his brother when he sensed someone running towards them.

“Laf, oh my god- I’ve never been so happy to see you in my life.” The person yelled as he approached, taking Lafayette in a bear hug. John assumed this was the roommate they had just been talking about, Lafayette chuckling. When they pulled away John could fully take in the other student’s appearance. He had dark hair pulled back into a short ponytail, his eyes expressive.

“You’ve known me for three days Alex.” Lafayette said and John shook himself out of the trance he didn’t know how he wound up in to begin with, Alex continuing to rattle on.

“Yes but I have not been stuck in economics sitting next to a ‘social liberal, fiscal conservative’ until today. The entire class he was mumbling under his breath calling our professor a communist and honest to God, I could have punched him.” He said, his hands moving around as fast as his mouth. Lafayette shook their head and wrapped an arm around him, gesturing to John.

“And on that note, we have a new friend joining us today.” They said, Alex finally noticing John standing there and thrusting out his hand for him to shake.

“Alexander Hamilton, at your service.”

John shook his hand firmly, in spite of how uncomfortable the gesture made him. He had spent his entire life shaking hands in stuffy crowded rooms and would be perfectly content to never have to do it again, but it was more or less inescapable.

“John, nice to meet you.” He said, Alex pulling his eyebrows together.

“Just John?”

“Just John.” 

He felt the way Alex tilted his head at him in his gut, but he couldn't exactly place if it was a bad gut feeling or not. It was endearing, in a way. Realizing that he was starting to stare, John pulled his eyes away, as they got in the line for food, trying to look significantly more interested in the buffet than he actually was.

“So what other classes are you taking?” Lafayette asked as they settled into a booth in the corner of the dining hall, John looking back up.

“I’m trying to get as many of my core classes as out of the way as I can, but I’m taking a political theory class to see if I’d actually get something out of majoring in political science.” 

“Hey, I’m taking that class too!” Alex jumped in, “I know someone dating the TA who was able to get me the syllabus early, you can have my copy if you want to look over it before Wednesday.” He said excitedly, turning to pull his backpack up from where it was resting on the ground. John felt his phone buzz again, hoping it wasn’t Harry continuing to badger him as he tapped open his text messages.

**Frances’ Daycare**  
_Frances says good luck at college daddy, I like books too!_

Attached to the message was a picture of Frances sitting in a beanbag chair looking at a picture book, with a whole mess of other books strewn around her. John was unable to keep from smiling fondly at the image and saved it to his camera roll, but when Lafayette took notice of his expression and leaned over to see what he was looking at he lurched to the side, locking his phone and dropping it into the side of his backpack. He said a silent prayer of thanks when Lafayette didn't question him about it or so much as give him a weird look, instead turning their attention to Alex, who had started on another rant about his Economics class. 

John grabbed the syllabus that Alex had slid across the table and took a moment to center himself before jumping back into the conversation; the words of the judge the day he was granted custody of his siblings, the guidance counselor who told him he had been awarded a full ride to Columbia, and the family friend who helped him pack his life in South Carolina into a U-Haul thrumming in his head like a mantra.

_Laurens, do not throw away your shot._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anddd we're off! pls come chat in the comments, this story is my baby and i'm so excited to start sharing her with y'all. also if you know which niche subreedit "school of the dining room table" was pulled from, we're automatically besties no take-backs. 
> 
> best,
> 
> Y.A.


	2. celabimus et quaeris (hide and seek)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _“There is nothing alive more agonized than man, of all that breathe and crawl across the earth.”_   
>  **-The Iliad**

The rest of John’s first week of classes at Columbia, and the kid’s first week in New York City, was for the most part smooth sailing. He liked his classes and looked forward to sitting around in the dining hall with Alex and Lafayette. But he’d be lying if he wasn’t grateful when the weekend rolled around, if for no other reason then the fact that he was starting to feel it in his chest when he dropped his daughter off at daycare in the morning and didn’t see her again for almost ten hours. When Saturday morning rolled around the Laurens gang, sans Harry who had insisted on staying locked in his room at the apartment, ventured out to pick up groceries for the week. John and Martha herded Mary-Eleanor and Jemmy down the street towards the store, Frances in John’s arms alternating between announcing the color of every single car that whizzed past and playing with his hair.

“Kitty,” She said and pointed at the cat napping on a stack of water cases by the door as they walked into the building, John following her gaze.

“I see mija, in Spanish that’s gata. Can you say gata?” He said. Pursing her lips for a moment Frances gave it an attempt, and then another five-hundred attempts after that one as he stuck her in a shopping cart and started to browse the aisles. While he and the older kids were more or less fluent in Spanish thanks to their mother, the others hadn’t gotten enough time with her before she died to learn as much. By teaching them himself John in a way felt like he was sticking it to his father, who in spite of marrying someone whose native language was Spanish often berated them for speaking it around the house. While compared to his other transgressions, it was far from the one that plagued John the most, it still got under his skin. 

Ahead of him Jemmy had grabbed two boxes of a cartoon-branded sugary ceral off the shelf, not so much as making eye contact with John as he dropped them into the cart. Leaning forward, John fished the boxes out, the kids vocalizing their disapproval.

“You know we can’t get that with the card, grab a box of Cheerios please.” He said, Mary-Eleanor not quite content with that response. 

“Why do we gotta use the special card to get food instead of just money?”

Before John could find a way to explain WIC and government benefits to a five-year-old he saw two familiar faces coming into the store out of the corner of his eye, and froze. Of course, Alex and Lafayette for some God-forsaken reason had to come to the grocery store he was in with his daughter of three-fourths of his siblings. Of course.

“Hey Mars, can you take them to the bathroom?” John said urgently to Martha, who did a double-take at his suddenly panicked tone. 

“But I don’t have to potty-” Mary-Eleanor started, crossing her arms.

Getting increasingly panicked with every passing second and on the brink of starting to hyperventilate, John lowered his voice. “My only friends from Columbia just walked in, please.” He said and the teenager seemed to get the message, grabbing the cart off of him and herding the kids towards the back of the store. John took a deep breath, almost considering running out the door now before his friends saw him and apologizing to Martha for leaving her with the kids later. But before he could do that, it was too late.

Turning around to go into a different aisle he came face to face with Alex, whose eyebrows quirked up when he recognized the other student. 

“Hey!” John said, greeting him in a tone that definitely sounded like he was being held at gunpoint. But if Alex noticed how weird he was acting he didn’t mention it, only smiling. 

“Funny seeing you here, well I guess not really since we’re both uh-” Alex responded and gestured around him. John had completely forgotten the grocery store they were in was a Hispanic one, and couldn’t help but laugh at Alex’s joke, shaking his head. “I live down the block,” John said and immediately regretted it when he realized what minor secret he had let slip, Alex tilting his head at him the same way he had when he introduced himself. It reminded John of an inquisitive puppy, and if he wasn’t so frantic he’d maybe find it cute. Maybe. 

“You don’t live on campus?” Alex asked and John swallowed, shaking his head without saying anything. Thankfully before Alex could drill him with a follow-up question Lafayette was poking their head down the aisle, an exasperated expression on their face. 

“Alex, come on please, French club is in thirty minutes and you know how the 1 train is-” They started, cutting off and dropping the frustrated look for a smile when they saw John. “Oh, hey John!” They said and John gave an awkward wave, grateful when Alex said he’d see him in class and scurried off.  
~~~  
As John had expected, Alex was ready and prepared to badger him the second Political Theory was over on Monday, dumping his stuff in his backpack haphazardly so John couldn't walk out before he could get his question in.

“So why don’t you live on campus?” He said as they walked towards the closest dining hall to meet up with Lafayette for lunch, a small part of John wanting to turn tail and run. But if he could handle the way the kids asked one-hundred questions about everything under the sun per day, he could handle Alex being nosy.

John narrowed his eyes the same way he did when the kids were bugging him and paired it with his practiced and polished ‘annoyed brother-dad’ voice. 

“Because I don’t.” He tried, huffing under his breath when it didn’t seem to deter him, Alex only giving a small shrug.

“There’s no shame in your family being loaded enough to get you an apartment. My paren- the people I live with are, but I told them I wanted the real coming-of-age-movie college experience.” Alex said as they found the table where Lafayette was waiting for them, his Freudian slip suddenly giving John as many questions about Alex as he was sure the other student had about him. But eager to get away from a back and forth interrogation, he turned his attention to the copy of _The Iliad_ that Lafayette had open on the table.

“Didn’t finish it either?” He said as he sat down, Lafayette looking up.

“Oh no, I read it over the summer. Just refreshing myself.” They said grabbing it off the table and dropping it back into their bag. Alex slid into John’s side of the booth, a seating arrangement that had become a habit over the course of the past week.

“You have to read it for that philosophy core class we have to take, right?” He asked and Lafayette nodded.

“I’m taking it next semester, but I’ve read it a few times already, maybe not my best idea with how heavy it is. It’s a good story though.”

John realized after that anecdote that everything about Alex screamed ‘read _The Iliad_ multiple times for fun’. Even if he was nosy to a fault, John couldn’t find it in him to feel genuinely irked by him if he tried. In some ways, he saw himself in Alex. Or at least who he could've been if he grew up in different circumstances. As a kid, he went through book after book and spent most nights curled up next to his mom on the couch talking her ear off about what he learned. He climbed too high in the trees in their yard with Harry and Martha. Their walls were covered in pictures they painted on a blanket on the deck. But then she died, and John’s world tilted on its axis, the life and future he thought he knew vanishing before his eyes

“When I got to the part where Achilles let Priam take Hector’s body I cried like a baby,” Lafayette said and pulled John, who realized he was on the brink of tears, out of his head. Alex bit his lip, looking hesitant for a moment before speaking up.

“I can’t say I would have done the same. I don’t get how anyone can go through such shitty things and not allow it to taint their humanity even just a little bit.” He said, his tone notably more sullen than it had been just moments ago when he was prodding John about his apartment. John, who suddenly felt even closer to tears than he already was. But he couldn’t let himself cry here. If he cried they would want to know what was wrong, and that would open Pandora’s box. He took a shaky breath that he was grateful went undetected by the others.

“Sometimes you don’t really have a choice.” 

John had been talking more to himself than he was Alex and Lafayette but realized he must have been louder than he thought he was when both of them gave him a concerned look. Panic started to rise in his throat like it had at the store on Saturday and he motioned for Alex to let him out of the booth, mumbling something about going to get a drink as he walked towards the fountain-soda dispenser to clear his head. He grabbed a cup, realizing a drink might actually help him calm down.

“John?” 

The sound of his name coming from a voice that belonged to neither Lafayette nor Alex made him pause. Turning around slowly, he came face to face with the absolute last person he was expecting to see. Eliza Schuyler, in all her soft-eyed and warm smiling glory. 

Eliza, who he had bumped into running out a backdoor at the 207th annual Governor’s Association Gala two years ago. He was dripping in sweat, having barely outsmarted an associate of his father’s who was trying to chase him down after John had walked in on a conversation he wasn’t supposed to hear. 

_“Jack Laurens, you know very well that your father’s dealings are not your busin- wait! Where do you think you’re going? Get back here you hellion or so help me God!”_

Eliza, who had steered him into sitting down on a curb where he fell apart and told her everything.

_“I can handle it, I can watch out for the kids when it was just him and- and his people. If he expands out, if they bring in other states, other governors...I can’t- I can only do so much,”_

Eliza who had told her father, who had called the FBI. 

_“I’m sorry John, I didn’t have a choice.”_

Eliza, who John had thought he heard Governor Schuyler say was planning to go overseas to study at Oxford, was not at Oxford. She was standing in the Ferris Booth dining hall at Columbia, staring at him wide-eyed. John opened his mouth to say anything, her name, maybe a “hi”, but no sound came out and he started to feel light-headed as more memories rushed from his subconscious into the forefront of his mind. Thrusting out an arm he attempted to brace himself against the counter, but his effort proved futile when he felt his knees give out and everything around him went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ptsd is such an evil beast, isn’t it? poor sweet john. but on the bright side, once he gets over passing out in the dining hall having an ‘ally’ of sorts on campus will ultimately be a good thing. 
> 
> next chapter: john recovers from passing out, reconnects with eliza and tries to evade alex further deeming him a puzzle to be solved. 
> 
> this chapter came a little later than i was expecting because i've been packing to move back to college tomorrow but going forward we'll be on a monday-wednesday-friday update schedule. come chat in the comments! stay safe if you're out there in the streets in the US!
> 
> \- Y.A.


	3. dare et accipere (give and take)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"Be strong, saith my heart. I am a soldier; I have seen worse sights than this."_   
>  **-The Iliad**

John came to and the first thing he saw when he slowly opened his eyes was Eliza’s face above him, his head cradled in her lap. But the first thing he _heard_ was Alex yelling his name, panic-stricken. The volume of Alex’s voice made his head hurt and he squeezed his eyes shut again, hearing Eliza shush the other student.

“Alexander stay back, please.” She said gently, and John thought absentmindedly that it sounded like this wasn’t the first time she had been tasked with talking him down. 

“He’s my friend.” Alex retorted, evidently not interested in leaving. Giving him a weak wave as he opened his eyes again, John forced a smile. Eliza narrowed her eyes at Alex. 

“And right now your friend needs space. I’ll send him back your way in a minute” She said and he finally walked off, though seemingly unhappy about it. Helping John sit up, Eliza looked into his eyes and pulled back after a moment, seemingly satisfied that he hadn’t hit his head too hard when he fell. She stood to get a cup of water, which John took when she crouched back down, sipping slowly.

Looking off between where Alex had stormed back off to the table and John, Eliza sighed. “I know Alex, protective to a fault that one is.” She said and John’s suspicions were confirmed. Though he was more so concerned with her presence at Columbia than he was with how she knew Alex, for right now at least. 

“I thought you were going to Oxford.” He said and she shrugged, sitting back against the counter next to him.

“New York is home. Are the kids in the city too?” She asked, notably lowering her voice on the last question. John bit his lip, nodding instead of saying anything out loud. Eliza seemed to understand, looking at her lap.

It took John back to the night his father was arrested. Eliza’s father, Governor Schuyler, had set it up flawlessly, though Henry knew something was off. Which is why when he was invited to the New York Governor's Mansion in Albany for the weekend he insisted on dragging all five kids with him in spite of Schuyler’s insistence that he come alone. What greeted them inside was seven FBI agents, and Eliza looking away from John with the same apologetic expression she was wearing now.

“I wanted to call. But I didn’t know if you’d want to hear from me.” She finally said after a beat, still not looking up. John reached out and put a hand over one of hers, squeezing lightly.

“You saved our lives. I might have been scared, but I wasn’t mad at you.” He said quietly and she looked up, squeezing his hand back.

“You think you can stand?” She said when the moment passed, helping John to his feet when he nodded and pulling him into a hug as soon as they were up. John felt close to tears again, but not in the way he had been before. Maybe having an ally, someone who really knew him, on campus would be a good thing.

“How old is Frances now?” Eliza asked after glancing around to make sure they were mostly alone. 

John pulled his phone out of his jacket pocket, swiping it open to a photo Martha had taken of Frances the night before, the toddler sprawled across his chest asleep. “She’ll be two in January. I can’t believe it.” John said quietly as he showed the photo to Eliza, who let out a quiet _”oh my god, she’s precious"_ , both hands clutched over her heart. But when she looked up her face dropped, John turning to see Alex eyeing them suspiciously, and Laf looking like they were trying to no avail to keep him from rushing back over.

“I think you need to go back to Alex before he comes over here again,” Eliza said and smiled sympathetically, John shoving his phone back in his pocket. “But my number is the same. Text me, I want to hug that sweet baby of yours.” She continued, squeezing his arm before he walked back off towards the table, Alex looking like he was going to burst as he waited for him to sit. 

John looked at Lafayette, who merely rolled his eyes as he sat down, and Alex set off like a firecracker.

“You know Eliza Schuyler?” He said, his voice audibly heightened, eyebrows shooting up. John realized he needed a lie, and quickly.

“We went to summer camp together.” He said, hoping Alex wasn’t going to need more details on that, seeing as he had never been to summer camp one time in his entire life. Thankfully Alex didn’t seem to care so much about that part, seemingly simmering down a bit as his face went from antsy to genuinely concerned.

“What even happened over there? I looked up to see if you were coming back and watched you drop.” He said, Lafayette looking equally concerned. 

Again with trying to avoid opening Pandora’s Box, John pushed away the urge to tell them the truth. He hadn't even brought it up with Eliza, who knew just as well as him that his blacking out had been triggered by his PTSD. 

“I don’t know, stress probably.” He said, kicking himself for how compared to his summer camp quip, he had definitely just sounded like he was hiding something. Alex narrowed his eyes, Lafayette interjecting before he could say anything.

“Maybe we should actually get food now before we pass out from hunger.” They said and stood up, John mouthing ‘thank you’ when it seemed to work, Alex silent as they walked over to the buffet line.

Much as Alex’s constant questions were starting to grate on him, John found himself desperately wanting to know how Alex and Eliza knew each other, though he couldn’t place exactly _why_. He generally wasn’t a nosy person, having learned the hard way that minding his own business was a useful form of self-preservation. The less he knew the better, except when it came to Alexander Hamilton it seemed. 

“Eliza seemed like she knew you.” He voiced, the thought having fought to be contemplated out loud instead of in his head. Alex looked up from pushing his plate along the line, and for the first time since John had known he seemed to be struggling with his words. 

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” He said, a part of him hoping that a similar phrase would make its way into Alex’s vocabulary. But before Alex could say anything Lafayette was leaning around him, lowering his voice.

“Alex and Eliza were summer lovers.” They said and Alex immediately pushed them back with his arm, Lafayette only winking as they walked back to their table. Alex set his plate down with a thud, glaring at Lafayette before speaking to John without looking up.

“We hooked up during summer orientation week, were going to see if dating was in the cards when we came back in the fall and she uh, said she wanted to focus on her studies. Which I totally respect.” He said, John unsure of how to respond. He took a bite of his food, noticing out of the corner of his eye the way Lafayette was glancing between them from the other side of the table. So both of his friends couldn’t mind their business, that was bound to backfire eventually. But they were also good people, and in John’s experience good people were far and few between.  
~~~  
When his afternoon class was canceled John decided to kill time by studying in the library, walking up the steps, and taking an elevator to the quiet floor. Stepping off, he started to make his way towards a private study room but stopped short when he saw Alex sitting at a table alone. Considering that spending time with him where they were supposed to keep talking to a minimum would get him out of being questioned _too_ much, John sat his bag down and slid into the seat across him. Alex looked up when he heard him, taking off his headphones with a smile. 

“Surprised you’re studying here instead of your beautiful hidden paradise apartment.” He said, John huffing. So much for escaping questioning. 

“You’re still on this?” He whispered as he pulled out his laptop, Alex glancing around before lowering his voice.

“You’re still acting like we’re all on Undercover Boss? Are you going to rip off your wig and reveal you’re actually the dean?” He said and John laughed. Now that he knew Alex had secrets of his own, he felt a little more prepared to bite back. 

“When you were talking about the people you live with you almost called them your parents but you stopped short.“ He said coolly, Alex’s face completely shifting. 

He looked thrown off, which John wasn’t too shaken by since that’s what he had been going for. But he wasn’t prepared for him to look _hurt_. And John recognized that look. Alex wasn’t just hurt, he felt exposed. Suddenly feeling guilty, John tilted his head the way Alex had made a habit of doing to him, smiling. 

“Quid pro quo? You tell me your trauma, I’ll tell you mine.” He said with a short laugh, Alex rolling his eyes as he stuck his headphones back on, the conversation coming to a lull as they went back to what they had actually come to the library to do.  
~~~  
Back home for the night, John moved around the kitchen getting dinner finished, the little kids chasing each other through the small apartment while Martha and Harry did homework on the couch. Well, Martha was doing homework. Harry had been starting at the same textbook page for the past fifteen minutes. 

“Do you guys remember Governor Schuyler’s daughter Eliza?” John asked as he turned away from the stove, though he would be more surprised if they didn't.

Harry didn’t look up from his book, but Martha perked right up. John had forgotten the way the two of them were thick as thieves during Governor Association events, to a point where they used to joke that she was the fourth Schuyler sister, who had somehow been separated at birth.  


“You talked to her?” She said excitedly, John smiling. 

“She goes to Columbia, I ran into her in the dining hall. She said she wants to come over sometime.” He said and Jemmy ran over, reaching up to grabbing a water bottle off the counter 

“Was her dad friend’s with our dad?” He said between gulps of water and overdramatic panting, Harry scoffing without looking up from his book. 

“No Jemmy, he’s the governor of New York. He’s the one who called the police on our dad. Remember?“ He said roughly, Jemmy shaking his head. 

Jemmy had been there when he was arrested, but his therapist had told John that his brain had blocked out a lot of memories as a form of protection, something John quietly wished he had been able to do as well. Not wanting to get into a heated conversation right at that moment he ignored Harry’s remark, opening a cabinet to grab plates. 

“I don’t care where you eat, but come get your dinner.” He said loudly, all of the kids making their way over, except for Harry who pushed himself up off the couch and mumbled that he wasn’t hungry before walking off to the room he shared with Martha and slamming the door. It was so loud that the neighbors probably heard, but had been a common enough occurrence over the past few years that it didn’t disturb Mary-Eleanor telling everyone about her kindergarten teacher between bites of pasta, Jemmy interjecting every so often with his own stories about 4th grade. 

When everyone was done eating and their plates in the sink, John padded down the hallway to the twins’ room and knocked twice on the door before talking. “Hey, if I warmed your plate up and brought it in here would you feel differently about eating?” He asked, bracing himself for the response he knew was coming. 

“I would feel differently if you weren’t crawling back to the Schuylers after everything they did to us.” Harry’s voice snapped back through the door. John noticed that he sounded close to tears, and it broke his heart. 

But reaching Harry was something he had spent the past two years trying to do with no success. He had spent more nights than he could count sitting against the twins’ door listening to him quietly cry himself to sleep, just in case he decided to _not_ ignore John’s pleas to let him in. He had argued with multiple insurance agents over the phone, yelled and fought to get him into intensive therapy programs wildly out of their budget. And he’d do it all again, but his little brother who had at one point been his best friend being just as closed off as he became two years ago made him feel like a failure. 

“Tell Mars to sleep on the couch, I want to be alone.” He continued after a beat of silence, his voice week. 

Leaning his head against the door, John sighed and stuck around for a minute to make sure Harry wasn’t going to say anything else before walking away, his chest heavy. Every so often he felt like the judge made a mistake in thinking he was fit for this. And tonight was one of those nights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter: the honey-moon phase of the big move comes to a firey end at the hands/fists of a certain 17-year-old boy whose name rhymes with larry haurens. 
> 
> hi y’all. i’m gonna be real and say that the state of things in the united states has made me extremely depressed, even more so than i already am. 3 people in the past week have been killed in political street violence and it's going to get much much worse. i’m scared and as a 20-year-old who was told my entire life 20 would be the first year of the rest of my life, crying and watching the only home i’ve ever known falling apart isn’t how i imagined i’d be spending my time right now. it sucks. it just sucks. if you’re religious i’d really appreciate prayers or good vibes or whatever. 
> 
> but, writing this story has been my escape and your sweet comments make my day. so thank you for reading and for being excited about this little universe. 
> 
> yrs,
> 
> Y.A.


	4. sta prope me (stand by me)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _"And overpowered by memory, both men gave way to grief."_  
>  **-The Iliad**  
>  (tw for small mention of suggested non-con in john's dream when he falls asleep in class.)

For all intents and purposes, the kids had been adjusting to the move much better than John had expected them to. At least they seemed to be, until the first week of September when the beginning of a new month in New York City seemed to bring with it a screeching halt to the honeymoon phase of the move.

Two in the morning on Thursday found the Laurens apartment in chaos. Frances had woken up screaming, and given the size of the apartment her screaming had thus woken up the other 5 residents. John delegated Martha to sitting outside the little kids' room to corral them back in if they came out to see what was going on, too tired to jostle Harry from his pathetic attempt at pretending he was still asleep. 

Pacing around the apartment, his mind was flooded with worry. Frances had never had issues sleeping through the night, even as a baby. And if she had started having issues over the summer it would’ve been manageable, given the amount of time he had then to fret over it and take her to doctors' appointments and specialists. But of course, kids were never apt with timing. John tried to focus on the current moment instead of what it meant for the future, rubbing the toddler’s back as she wailed into his shoulder, the fabric of his shirt bunched up in her small fists.

After about twenty minutes her screaming dissolved into whimpered sniffling and John sat down, Frances pulling her head back slowly. She looked at him through still glassy eyes, John gently pushing away the curly hair that had fallen in her face.

“Daddy’s right here, see?” He said softly, and Frances rubbed her eyes before letting go of his shirt and wrapping her hands around his fingers, looking at him indifferently. John leaned down and pressed a kiss to their connected hands, feeling some weight shift off of his chest when it brought a hint of a smile to her face. Now he just had to get her back to sleep.

Getting up and walking back down the hallway he stopped short outside the other kids’ room where Martha was sitting slumped against their door on her phone, half asleep.

“I can handle the other littles if they come out. Go back to bed.” He said, the look on her face as she stood back up and started to walk away unreadable.

“Pissed at Harry for pretending to sleep?” John tried and she nodded, looking down.

“I don’t know what’s going on with him. We used to be so close and now it’s like he hates me, and all of us.” She said, John wrapping his arm that wasn’t holding Frances around the teenager in a side hug. 

Her observations were similar to his own, and it had been eating at him. They were two weeks out from their little tug-of-war over John bringing up Eliza, and Harry didn’t seem to be any less angry than he was when he slammed his door. His bad mood was accompanied by him giving the entire family the silent treatment, save for a few mumbled words every other day. And the longer it went on the more it felt like they were heading towards an explosion.

Martha hugged him back before padding off towards her room, John walking into his own room and grimacing at the clock before getting into bed, having resigned to Frances sleeping in bed with him instead of her own.  
~~~  
By the time he had to be up and getting the kids ready for school, John had gotten a grand total of four hours of sleep. He stumbled through their morning routine between guzzles of coffee that seemed to be failing at its job, and by the time he finally got to Columbia for Western Philosophy, he felt close to falling asleep standing up. Waving wordlessly to Lafayette, he slid into his seat and made it all of three sentences into the lecture before he could no longer fight his exhaustion, dropping his head into his hands as his eyes slipped shut. As he dozed off the worries sitting in his subconscious danced around his mind. Worrying about Harry was nothing new. John always worried. He had to, after all.

_”Junior, you okay?” John said, on his way to room to get ready for the night when he saw his brother standing in his doorway, biting his lip and staring at the ground. Harry snapped his head up when he heard John, who became even more concerned than he already was when he saw the tears forming in his eyes._ _“Those parties you go to- with dad. They’re- you have to,” Harry started, stumbling over his words and dancing around his point. But John knew what he was getting at._ _He glanced over his shoulder before nudging the other teenager gently back past the doorway and into the room, stepping in behind him and closing the door. “Why are you asking me this?” John said urgently._ _"Dad’s friend, Rich Oswald, I think. I heard him telling dad he wants him to bring me and Mars tonight. And he agreed.” Harry said quietly, and John suddenly felt like he was going to be sick._ _He thought his plan to keep the other siblings out of it was working. He thought, in hindsight too optimistically, that when his father told him he didn’t need to worry about them he was being honest._ _“They’re blabbermouths Jack, they don’t understand how the world, how our world works. Not like you.” He had said under his breath in the back of a car just two weeks ago, when John had sought reassurance that they wouldn’t be involved for what felt like the 200th time. It had been a lie. In spite of how sure he had been that his father was being honest. And not just the part about his siblings. John was beginning to think he didn’t actually know how the world worked at all._

“John, John! Freckles! Just John! Class is over, you better not have passed out again.” 

John heard the faint voice of Lafayette whisper yelling and stirred to a half-awake state, groaning. He pulled his head up slowly, suddenly wide awake when he realized he was in their lecture hall. Where he had just slept through their entire 2-hour class. _Fuck._

“Why didn’t you wake me sooner?” He said as he whipped his head around, Lafayette putting their hands up defensively, though their face was noticeably soft.

“You looked like you needed the sleep.” They said and John dropped his defense, mumbling a thank you as he pulled his phone out his backpack.

**NYCPS**  
_Due to a pipe break at PARK EAST HIGH-SCHOOL. All PARK EAST HIGH-SCHOOL students are being dismissed early and all after school activities are cancelled._

“You coming to lunch?” Lafayette said and John floated the idea. The twins could get home by themselves and it wouldn’t be hurting anything if he stayed on campus until his next class. But maybe if he got Harry alone without the littles pulling at him he could make some headway with getting him out of whatever funk he was in.

“I think I’m just going to go home and nap.” John said, grateful for Laf not questioning him like he knew Alex would have as he walked off.  
~~~  
John stopped to get another coffee before heading back to the apartment, knowing he was going to need to be significantly more awake to deal with whatever Harry’s moodiness would entail today. As he walked down the sidewalk approaching where their highschool was he felt the hairs on the back of his neck prick up like they did whenever he was anxious, and he couldn't place why. Sure Harry would be short with him, though that was nothing new. It was a cool 63 degrees and unlike his morning coffee, this one seemed to be working. But he something was wrong here, he could feel it. 

“Harry stop, stop!”

He looked up when he heard the sound of Martha yelling, his eyes nearly bugging out of his head when he saw her a few feet ahead of him on the sidewalk, trying and failing to pull Harry off of another boy, whom he was landing punch after punch on. 

John tossed his still half-full coffee in the nearest trash can and ran ahead, Martha looking at him panic-stricken as he arrived on the scene. She moved to let John push past her and yank Harry up himself. two boys who John assumed to be friends with the one Harry had been beating on snickering as their friend got up.

“Uh oh, daddy’s here.” One of them said, grabbing their friend and whispering as they walked off. Too upset with Harry to fully process that little remark, John raised his voice towards his brother.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” He yelled, Martha wincing and mumbling something about meeting her friends at Starbucks before running off. Harry didn’t seem to have an answer to his brother’s question, only staring at him wide-eyed. Letting go of his arm, John gave him a little nudge in the direction of their apartment.

“Walk. You have until we get back to think of how you’re going to explain this.” He said sharply, Harry suddenly very interested in the sidewalk cracks as they made their way.

John was pissed, and on top of being pissed, he felt anxiety bubbling in his chest. He knew New York wasn’t South Carolina, and any bystanders probably didn’t have the slightest clue who the curly-haired teenager was, but he still couldn’t completely shove away the paranoia that he was going to login to Facebook to a slew of ‘son of disgraced governor spotted in street brawl’ posts. After everything he had done for the kids, it felt like a slap in the face that Harry was so flippant with their image. 

And with that thought came the sinking realization that he was being selfish. Harry had always been gentle. Their father had tried to make him his clone, Henry Junior in every aspect. But the kid who cried at the sight of road-kill was never going to turn out like him. If the incident at the Governor’s Gala hadn’t happened, John was almost positive it would have been Harry who got their father found out. There had been a few close calls, with the teenager looking just a little too distraught in front of a mandated reporter. And while John had mastered the art of hiding his emotions by the time he was eleven, Harry didn’t seem to have that skill until more recently.

There had to be something more going on here, though John wasn’t going to get it out of him by playing good cop. When they finally got back to the apartment he motioned for Harry to sit down on the couch and dragged a chair over to sit opposite him, the teenager not meeting his eyes. A minute of silence passed, and then another before John spoke.

“I can skip my afternoon class, Mars can pick the kids up from school and go on a nice long walk. We can sit all day, but we aren’t moving until you talk to me.” He said sternly. While he hated being so harsh he had to get Harry to talk somehow and for the moment, this seemed like the only way.

“Why do you even care?” Harry snapped back, huffing.

John huffed right back, leaning forward. “We’ve all had to make sacrifices but you know just as well as me that I’ve bent over backwards for you specifically. I put you through therapy’s wildly out of our budget only for you to quit all of them, I fought the school board so you could even go to the same high-school as your sister. You have to understand how behaving like this makes me feel like all my efforts were wasted.” He said, almost raising his voice to a yell towards the end. But he didn’t have to, Harry suddenly looking crest-fallen, the tough exterior he had been putting on starting to crack. It was silent again for a beat, Harry looking away as he spoke in a whisper tone.

“They recognized me. From the victim impact statement video.” He said quietly, John physically recoiling some as he fully processed that revelation. 

They had known that there was going to be media there at the senior Laurens’ sentencing hearing, but none of them were really thinking about it as they took their turns making their victim impact statements. Cameras had been around every corner for the entire trial, and if they gave them a fraction of space in their mind they would have gone insane. But while they were expecting the cameras they weren’t expecting was the clip of Harry’s statement to go viral, gathering over a million views overnight. And no matter how badass John thought it was that his meek as a mouse little brother told their father he was going straight to hell, the entire country and then some seeing it was a different story. Harry didn’t leave the house for a month after.

“And they said that I seemed tough then but I must have been acting because now all I do is look like I want to cry. They called me a pussy, and I had to prove myself.” He continued after a beat when John didn’t say anything, tapping his foot anxiously against the carpet.

“By punching them? You used your words at the trial, there’s power in that Harry.” John said, getting up from sitting across from him to sit next to him, thinking to himself that treating this like a criminal interrogation was probably unnecessary. 

Harry looked up when he felt the couch shift, looking John in the eyes for a half-second and looking away again when he saw the disappointment in them.

“When I said that about the Schuylers. I didn’t mean it like you probably thought I did. I’m glad dad got arrested, I am. But when everyone found out what was going on I felt like I lost the little bit of control I had left. I couldn’t control the news or the lawyers or us moving and punching those kids in the face made me feel in control for the first time in years, and I know- I know that’s so bad. All the kids hate me, you hate me and I’m not sorry that I got into a fight. Going by a different name didn’t do anything, I’m going to be just like dad anyways.”

By the end of his rambling his voice was strained, John near tears himself listening to him.

“Hey, no. That’s complete nonsense. You know how I know that’s nonsense?” He said, Harry taking an unsteady breath and shaking his head.

“You aren’t sorry for punching that kid sure, but you do care about how it made me and Mars feel. You care about how your actions affect people. We both know that dad never did, not for a single second. Which means you are nothing like him.” He started, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder. “And none of us hate you, we love you and it’s broken my heart to watch you push us away.” John continued, Harry looking about a fraction of a second away from completely falling apart.

“We’ve all been through a lot, and there’s no shame in letting yourself be vulnerable about that. Me and the kids understand way more than anyone you’re punching in the face ever-”

Before John could even finish his sentence Harry was slumping forward, sobs wracking through his body as he moved his hands to hold the fabric of John’s shirt the way Frances had been just hours beforehand. John wrapped an arm around him, rubbing his shoulder and resting his chin on Harry's head, which was now buried in his chest. He murmured words of comfort through his own tears, for both himself and his little brother. They had both cried during the trial, and after, but behind locked bathroom and bedroom doors, never in front of each other. None of the kids did. John had felt like he had to be strong for his siblings, and he was beginning to regret that as he rocked Harry practically in his lap and realized a small fraction of why he was so guarded was because of John modeling the exact same behavior himself. 

After a few minutes Harry pulled back and sat up a little straighter, cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

“Hey, I think we both needed that.” John said and jumped in before he could apologize, Harry giving a small nod. Before either of them could continue, John’s phone lit up on the coffee table where he had tossed it when they came in, a text notification popping up on the screen.

**alex**  
_was gonna tell you this at lunch but you weren’t there ): debate club has our first match tomorrow night and if u wanna see me obliterate some young republicans club kids you should def come._

"Who’s Alex?” Harry said, John briefly considering getting mad at him all over again when he saw the smirk on his face. Maybe he wasn’t as good as at putting up a front as he thought he was, if Harry was able to mark his body language upon seeing Alex’s name up to mean something. But that was silly, it didn’t mean anything at all. It was just nice to be missed at lunch. 

“I’d be a dick to leave you and Mars with the kids to go socialize after the speech I just gave you,” John said, narrowing his eyes when he reached for his phone and Harry grabbed it before he could. “Give me my phone so I can tell him I can’t go.” He said and Harry stood up, still holding his phone. 

“I want to be a better brother, maybe I can start with this.” He said. 

“You don't have to pass some litmus test. There'll be other debates, it’s fine.” He said, reaching for his phone. 

Harry took another step back, holding the phone above his head and out of John’s reach with a small laugh. And dammit, the fact that this was the happiest John had seen him in months was certainly helping his case here. 

“No phone unless you promise to text him back and say you’re going.” Harry said, taking another step back, and then another, only stopping when John yelled out a playful “fine!”. He tossed him back his phone, promptly crawling back on the couch and leaning over his shoulder to make sure that he was actually texting Alex back. 

**john**  
_i’ll b there_

Harry beamed and gave him a playful clap on the shoulder, John rolling his eyes and looking forward to escaping further interrogation by going to his afternoon class. Not that there was anything to confess, not really. It was nice to be missed. It was nice to be wanted somewhere for a non-transactional reason. Alex was nice. That was _all_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you ever say "update soon!" only to get sick in the middle of a pandemic? no? just me?
> 
> hello you lovely people! i did indeed get sick and am currently awaiting covid results, hence the delay on this chapter but hopefully how long this one is makes up for the wait, LOL. this really was somewhat of a beast and i rewrote it about 101 times before i was finally happy with it, so here's to hoping y'all enjoy :*
> 
> next chapter: john goes to alex's debate and that goes uh, as well as you think it will.
> 
> xoxo,
> 
> Y.A.


	5. conscio (consciously)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _“What are the children of men, but as leaves that drop at the wind’s breath?”_   
>  **\- The Iliad**

Friday night rolled around and John was excited to get out for the night, even if he felt a little bad about leaving the twins with three little kids. They had both spent the past twenty-four hours insisting that it was fine, but the persisting guilt rose quickly back to the surface when Frances realized John was leaving, her bottom lip quivering as her eyes started to well over.

“S-stay 'ith F'ances?" She mumbled through sniffles, wiggling out of Harry's lap and running as fast as her little legs could carry her to the door, grabbing John’s leg and looking up at him expectantly. He crouched down onto the toddler’s level, wiping a few tears away with the pad of his thumb.

"Not tonight, but you're going to have so much fun and when you wake up in the morning I'll be back!" He said, trying to keep his tone cheerful. Frances didn’t seem to buy it, whining and rocking on her heels, and for a moment John considered not leaving. But Harry and Martha seemed to be reading his mind when he looked up to both of them giving him a pointed look that could be roughly translated to “you need to go”. He sighed and scooped Frances up in his arms, walking back over to Harry and pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“Daddy always comes home, promise," He said, giving her back to Harry and taking a deep breath as he turned to leave, trying to convince himself that she would calm down by the time he was at the subway station and that he wasn’t a horrible person for taking one night to himself.  
~~~  
In an effort to distract himself from the _“I’m a horrible dad and my toddler hates me”_ thoughts, he let his mind wander back to Alex. He ran into him earlier in the day after class, Alex practically bouncing as he talked at John about how excited he was for the debate and for, in his words, _“Metaphorically bludgeoning Thomas Jefferson.”_. Alex didn’t offer an explanation as to who Thomas was, nor did John know, but he couldn’t help but laugh and shake his head at the idea of Alex bludgeoning _anyone_ , at least physically. He was more of a sort of feral Yorkshire puppy than he was genuinely threatening in any form, but it was sort of endearing.

Though that said, he viewed Alex as endearing in a completely _normal_ way, not the way Harry had seemed to convince himself he did, making more than one remark over the past twenty-fours about how John seemed to “light up like a fucking Christmas tree” every time his phone buzzed and Harry came running from wherever he was to get all in John’s space to confirm it was indeed Alex texting him. But Harry was just being a little brother. And even if he did have a crush on Alex, which he didn’t, it was pointless anyway. In spite of the fact that they were growing closer by the day, Alex didn’t know him half as well as he thought he did, nor did John know if he was even interested in men. Not that any of that really mattered, John told himself under his breath as he walked onto the Columbia campus, since he didn’t even have a crush to begin with.

He walked into the building that Alex had texted him they would be in, scanning the room for a seat until he heard the familiar voice of Eliza.

"John, over here!" He heard her say and followed the sound to where she was sitting with Lafayette and another person that John didn't recognize. He sat down in the seat they had saved for him, the girl sitting on the other side of Eliza leaning over her to face him.

"These two have been all 'where’s John?" for the past fifteen minutes if you wanted to know. I’m Theo.” She said and smiled, John giving one in return.

"You friends with Alex?" He said, Lafayette letting out a laugh next to him, for some reason.

"I know him through these two, but I'm actually here for my boyfriend." She said cooly, John quirking an eyebrow at the way both Lafayette and Eliza seemed to react to that, Lafayette mock-gagging while Eliza just rolled her eyes.

Before he could ask who her boyfriend was, someone was coming out onto the small stage, taping the microphone and doing a sarcastic mic check before jumping into the introductory tangent. The first topic was the question of the necessity of shopping malls, something John admittedly knew and cared little about. He didn’t know the first two people up either, but it became entertaining enough when the debate heated up, John half scared that one of the students was going to leap over his podium and tackle his opponent to the ground. But it was over just as quickly as it began, the MC coming back up to introduce the next round. Alex and the Thomas Jefferson person that he had mentioned to him earlier in the day were up next, John sitting up a little straighter as Lafayette leaned over to whisper something in his ear.

"The kid he's up against is the ‘fiscal conservative jackass’ he's always complaining about.” They whispered, Alex’s joke about bludgeoning him suddenly making a lot of sense. Though he referred to him as ‘the pompous ass from my Econ class’ instead of his name, Alex had a new rant about him for their lunch table nearly every day, and John was admittedly looking forward to seeing Alex debate him now that he had put two and two together. 

"Their topic is, should the federal government be responsible for footing the bill of childcare? Alex, you're up first."

John had to fightletting the small _‘fuck’_ he uttered under his breath being a loud one. Of course the topic Alex would be lamenting about in front of him and all their friends, plus about fifty other students, directly correlated to the life he was trying to keep away from Columbia. And while he knew that the debates were staged, and they were assigned a side to argue for, he said a silent prayer that he wouldn’t have to watch Alex go on an anti-social services lament as he cleared his throat and stepped up to his mic. 

“Our economy needs children to support the economy later down the line. And if the government at least covered daycare costs for children under 5 years, then would mean more parents being able to work or go to school to further their work qualifications,” He started, and John thanked God he he was on the compassionate side, even if it the remark about parents going to school felt personal given the fight he had to put up to get daycare vouchers for Frances.

_” I’m sorry, but if you aren’t working there isn’t anything we can do. Do you have any friends or family members that could help you out?” The social worker on the other side of the desk said, John feeling close to bursting into tears and crying the way Frances was currently on his lap. He took a deep breath, bouncing his daughter on his knee._

_“We just moved here from South Carolina, so that’s going to be a hard no.” He said dryly, the woman narrowing her eyes and staring at him for a moment before she spoke again,_

_“You’re John Laurens as in Governor Laurens’ son.” She said after a beat, John sighing, but silently hoping this would maybe help his case._

_"Less recognizable without a black eye, or maybe people here just don't pay much attention to anything that happens below the Mason Dixon Line.” He said, the woman nodding her head wordlessly before typing something into her computer, and grabbing a pen to write down a phone number on a Post-It Note._

_“I’ll try to pull some strings for you, but I can’t promise anything. This is my personal phone number, put it in your phone so you know when I call.” She said, John sticking the note in the front pocket of his shirt and thanking her over Frances’ continued crying before. It would be another two weeks before she called, and he’d have to go through the emotional labor of parading out the ‘Governor Laurens’ son” sob story to various government employees five more times before it was finally sorted, all of which would have been avoidable if the city was more descriptive in their guidelines about who qualified for daycare assistance._

But they were debating benefits on a federal level, so John tried to push his grudge with the state of New York aside for the time being.

“...both of which provide the workforce of this country with another contributor. And individuals who say ‘don't have children’ or ‘children are your responsibility’ lack a conscience. Not every child is privileged enough to be born with a silver spoon in their mouth, and denying them a fair shot because of situations out of their control is immoral.” Alex continued, taking a step back and lowering his mic when he was done. John could see him trying to steel his temper as Thomas stepped up to the mic and launched into a tirade about it “wasn’t fair” to make people pay for other people’s kids through their taxes. They went back and forth for about ten minutes until the host interrupted to say they had to give their conclusions, Thomas getting to go last since Alex had started. Stepping back up for the mic for his turn, Alex took a deep breath before speaking.

“While I respect the desire of the Columbia Debate cabinet for us to not interject personal anecdotes into my arguments, I would rather be disqualified than not say this.” He started, and everyone in the room seemed to cease breathing in sync.

“As someone with an intimate knowledge of the consequences of disadvantaged parents being hung out to dry and the American foster care system, I cannot accept the argument that it is unfair to expect people to be okay with helping their fellow man, woman, and child. Humans from the beginning survived as a race because we looked out for each other. The notion that that’s now asking too much is asinine.” He concluded. Lafayette, Eliza, and Theo all burst into applause next to him, but John’s mind was going one-hundred miles per hour and all he could do as his thoughts raced was pat his hand against his leg. Alex’s slip about the people he lived with not being his parents made sense now and John suddenly felt a wave of guilt over the way he prodded him about it, even if it was a fraction of the prodding Alex did to him. The next few rounds of debate flew by, John not able to pay much attention. When the match finished Theo dashed off to find her boyfriend, Lafayette lowering their voice to Eliza and John.

“Did you two know that, about Alex?” They asked quietly, both John and Eliza shaking their heads. Lafayette nodded and mumbled a small “me neither”. The somber moment was over when Alex came bounding over, energetic as if his stunt and getting disqualified for the night hadn’t happened. But John could always tell when someone's smile didn’t quite meet their eyes.

“We’re going to Earl’s which is like, a ten-minute train ride from here, are you all coming?” He said cheerfully, John thinking absentmindedly that the name sounded familiar. A few seconds later he realized why.

“Earl’s Beer and Cheese? I live two blocks from there.” He said before he could stop himself. It wasn’t _that_ damning, not when Alex and Lafayette knew where he lived from their run-in at the grocery store. But he didn’t miss the pointed look of concern that Eliza gave him, mouthing “it’s fine” towards her when Alex wasn't paying attention.

Lafayette said they had to go study, which Alex rebuked by saying they hadn’t seen them open a book in the over a month that they’ve lived together, but they slipped off without sticking around to defend themselves. This was followed by Eliza making a similarly veiled excuse, mumbling something about having to go home for the weekend for her father’s reelection campaign before following after Lafayette.

“Well, that was weird,” Alex said when they were gone, watching as the rest of the debate team started to crowd out the door. “But you’re coming, yeah?” He asked and John shrugged, unable to think of an excuse even if he wanted to make one. He followed Alex out of the building, shooting off a quick text to the twins that he’s going to be home later than he thought he was.  
~~~  
Alex explained as they walked into the bar that he couldn't drink because the fake ID that he had apparently ordered last month had gotten lost in the mail, John somewhat grateful for that since it meant he wouldn’t have to explain why he didn’t want to drink himself. They settled into a booth in the corner, it not lost on John that Alex had opted to get them a spot alone instead of with his debate club friends. Alex bought cheese fries for both of them, but their alone time was soon interrupted by someone barreling towards their corner, John paling when he realized he recognized the face.

“John La-” The lanky blonde started, John rushing to cut him off with a shout of “Kinloch!” so loud that it made Alex wince, turning around to see who John was yelling at, and thankfully not seeming to notice how panic-stricken he was.

Eliza was one thing, but Francis Kinloch was another issue entirely. Eliza was sweet, and kind and had for all intents and purposes saved his life. Francis Kinloch, the son of Henry Laurens’ predecessor as Governor of South Carolina, was for all intents and purposes a dick. He had heard whispers that he was going to school up north, just not exactly where. As he got closer, John said a silent prayer that he would read his _‘please, not here’_ look and lay off. Sliding into John’s side of the booth earned him an exasperated look from Alex who, though for a completely different reason, seemed to recognize him as well.

“You go to summer camp with him too?” Alex said towards John, who blinked, having been expecting him to address Kinloch first. He opened his mouth but no words came out, and he tried to mentally prepare for his cover he worked so hard to build to be blown.

“Sure did! Spent every summer in middle school romping around the Appalachian wilderness with John here.” Kinloch said, and John hoped that Alex didn’t notice the look of shock that washed over his face. Kinloch was being _nice_ to him, and even though he knew Kinloch being at Columbia too was a disaster waiting to happen, he was grateful. Alex didn’t seem to completely buy the summer camp tale, darting his eyes between the two of them across the table suspiciously. Francis only laughed.

“Your boyfriend’s a feisty one, you should see him during practice when we’re allowed to curse.” He said, John freezing. 

“We’re not,”

“He’s not,”

Alex and John said in unison Francis only rolling his eyes

“Ah, well you boys have fun.” He said as he got up, ruffling John’s hair. “And see you around Jack.” Francis continued before walking off and pushing back into the circle that Thomas Jefferson and the short-tempered kid from the first round were standing in.

“He didn’t get to debate tonight because he showed up to a club meeting completely trashed if that surprises you any,” Alex said when he was gone, and John forced a laugh. 

He completely glossed over the whole boyfriend remark, not that it was a problem. Especially he didn’t have any semblance of a crush, and Alex definitely didn’t. Even if Lafayette hadn’t told John about his summer fling with Eliza, he would have figured it out anyway. She was now an integral part of their friend group, and while she maintained that she was too busy for a relationship John wasn’t an idiot. Friends didn’t look at each other the way those two did, and it got under his skin that he was the only one who seemed to notice. He brought it up to Lafayette once but they only laughed, telling John he was reading too much into things.

He fell into a casual conversation with Alex about the short-tempered boy from the first round who John learned was Theo’s boyfriend. And it was nice, but the later it got the more John was itching to get home. A half an hour passed, and Alex seemed to pick up on his body language.

“You said you live down the block from here, right?” He started, raising an eyebrow. He knew what Alex was about to propose, and even worse, he didn’t want to turn him down.

“Let me walk you home? I won’t come in or anything, but it’s late. And you know- it would really suck if you got mugged or something.” Alex continued, laughing softly. While a month ago John could have absolutely seen Alex insisting he walk him home all the way to his room, he had started to mellow out somewhat when it came to his nosiness and John trusted him. Well, he wanted to trust him at least.

“You have to promise you won’t try to hack into the security system of my building to spy on me.” John joked as he got up, following Alex as he weaved in and out of the herds of other students who didn’t seem like they would be leaving anytime soon.

They walked down the sidewalk in silence, though John could tell Alex was chomping at the bit to say something. When they stopped at a crosswalk he cleared his throat, Alex looking at the traffic instead of at John as he finally spoke.

“You know John, you're not the only one with baggage. I may be nosy but I’m not an asshole,” He started, lapsing back into silence when the light changed until they had crossed over to the other side of the street. “and I know we only met a month ago, but I only really made enemies in high-school. You’re one of the closest friends I’ve got.” He concluded, still not looking directly at him. 

John didn't make eye contact either, nor did he really know what to say. There were a few things on the tip of his tongue; that he considered Alex a close friend too, that he knew he wasn’t an asshole, that walking with him in silence didn’t feel awkward like it did with everyone else, that he wanted to open up to him he was just scared. But voicing any of those things made John’s heart rise into his throat, so he just gave a small nod as they finally got to his building.

“This is me.” He said quietly, biting his lip when he watched Alex's gaze shift to the building, and then back at him. Not quite the apartment that Alex had been convinced was bought for him by some unnamed well-off family member. Not by a longshot. John brushed past him wordlessly to walk up the steps, turning around when Alex seemed to be stalling actually walking away.

“I had fun tonight,” He started, speaking slowly. Alex smiled at that, and John felt his lips turn up as well. “Don’t get mugged getting back to Columbia.” John continued, Alex laughing and mumbling something along the lines of “no promises” as he opened the door to his building. In his peripheral vision he noticed that Alex stayed glued to his spot on the sidewalk until the building door actually clicked shut behind him, and made a mental note to text him a thank you for that. 

He climbed another set of stairs to get to his own unit, opening the door slowly so as to not wake anyone up who might be sleeping, and the sight that met him made his heart swell. The kids had dragged all of the air mattresses out of their bedrooms and into the living room, having shoved the couch back to make room for a makeshift mega-bed. One of the teenagers' school Chromebooks was open on the coffee table as the credits to a movie played on the screen, everyone piled together asleep. Except for Mary-Eleanor, who stirred when the door opened and sat up from where she was curled up against Martha, giving a tired smile when she saw John.

“We had a sleepover Jacky, you missed it.” She said quietly, John padding over and crouching down to where she had swung around to sit on the edge of one of the air mattresses. 

“Well I’m home now, you think you can stay up long enough for me to get pajamas on?” He asked and she gave him a tired nod, sticking her thumb in her mouth mid-yawn. John was in and out of his room in under five minutes, letting out a quiet laugh when he came back to the sight Mary-Eleanor starting to drift off while sitting up, her head drooping. She seemed to perk up a little when she noticed John had come back, climbing on top of him as he got down on the only empty spot left on their air mattresses. She wasn’t a toddler and having the weight of a five-year-old on his chest wasn’t the most comfortable thing in the world, but he didn’t mind too much. _This_ was home, and he wouldn’t want to escape the woes of the city and Columbia anywhere else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hate to inform you that this is the happiest a chapter will end for a while now, LOL. but they’re also getting longer as we go and the story is really starting to flesh out so a little angst won’t hurt anyone, yeah? (; come yell at/with me in the comments and on [tumblr!](https://janthony-grofflin-trenches.tumblr.com)
> 
> next chapter: eliza is a really good friend, lafayette is a really good friend, alex is alex, and kinloch is...well he certainly is there that’s for sure.
> 
> yrs,
> 
> Y.A.


	6. terrae motus caeli (earthquake weather)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _“You, you insolent brazen bitch.”_  
>  **\- The Iliad**  
>  ( getting to use this quote brought joy to my heart)

Mondays, in general, were never good. But to say that John was having one of the worst Mondays to ever Monday would be to him, a massive understatement. Frances had been up crying all night for the third night in a row and the pediatric sleep specialist whose website said their office opened at six-thirty didn’t answer their phone when John tried to call before the kids got up. Jemmy had figured out how to pick the lock on the window to their fire escape, scaring John half to death when he decided to eat his breakfast out there. And Mary-Eleanor, who had seemed to be enjoying kindergarten, decided on this particular day to scream like she was being murdered at drop off. By the time he finally got to Columbia and practically stomped into the political science building, he was half scared someone would get hurt if they merely looked at him the wrong way.

“You good?” Alex asked when he sat down and threw his backpack on his desk just a little more aggressively than he had been trying to. Taking a moment to remind himself that Alex was asking as his friend and that he hadn’t drilled up like he used to recently, he forced a smile.

“Train delays, you know how it is.” He said and went to pull his laptop and textbook out of his bag. Except he could still feel Alex’s eyes burning into the side of his head.

He looked back towards him, a little nerved that Alex was giving him the same look he used to when he was throwing 101 questions at him a day. He raised an eyebrow, Alex seeming to snap out of, and flushing red with embarrassment as he looked back at his laptop. John thanked his lucky stars when their professor started talking, thus ending whatever it was they were doing.

Until fifteen minutes into the lecture when he felt Alex lean over, a folded-up piece of paper dropping onto his laptop keyboard. He unfolded it slowly, half tempted to crumple it into a ball when he read the words Alex had scrawled on the page.

_u know if something that wasn’t train delays happened u can tell me_

He opted to grab a pen, writing _i’m fine_ underneath Alex’s part and fighting the temptation to slam it on his desk and disturb the lecture, sitting it gently next to his laptop. A few minutes passed before the paper was back on John’s desk, another message scrawled under his two-word reply.

_you look like you’re about to cry, and i mean i totally got that american exceptionalism is riveting but i don’t think it’s the lecture doing this to you_

John huffed, scrawling a more aggressive _I’M FINE_ , this time over the top of Alex’s writing, tossing the paper haphazardly back in his direction. Alex seemed to get the message that time and didn’t pass any more notes for the rest of class, but the lecture was lost on John anyhow. About forty-five minutes in it dawned on him that Alex seeing his apartment building must have sparked the resurgence of his nosiness, and he mentally kicked himself for even letting Alex walk him home. Maybe this is what he deserved for letting Alex weasel his way into his trust that easily. That certainly wouldn’t be happening again.

When class was over he shoved his things into his backpack and tried to book it out of there as fast as he could, but he failed to outrun Alex, who took to speed walking behind him.

“Are you coming to lunch?” He said, and John turned. His hands were starting to tremble, and he had a feeling the words about to leave his mouth were one he would regret later. But before they could leave his mouth his phone started ringing, Alex not making a move to leave as he fished it out of the side of his backpack.

**Mary-Eleanor’s School** flashed across the Caller ID screen and John made the choice to walk off without a salutation to Alex, ignoring his shout of “If you want me to think you’re fine you really aren’t helping your case!” as he walked outside and around the corner to answer the call. 

“Hello?” He said, looking over his shoulder and breathing a sigh of relief that Alex hadn’t taken to following him out of the building. 

“Hi, Mr.Laurens. This is the nurse at East 1 Elementary calling to let you know that Mary-Eleanor got sick in class, so we’re going to need you to come pick her up.” 

John ran a hand over his face, feeling like the worst brother in the state of New York for not considering that her freakout at drop off might have been more than just a five-year-old throwing a fit. And it wasn’t exactly helping his blood pressure levels that he had a test he wouldn’t be able to get out of in his afternoon class. 

“I’m a student up at Columbia and I have an exam in my next class. Is there any way she can just stay in the nurse's office until one of her older siblings gets out of high-school and can get her?” He said, the nurse on the other end only sighing as she launched into a diatribe about how she had to be picked up immediately because of her temperature. He huffed and said he’d be there as soon as he could, mumbling a more colorful version of that as he hung up and made his way off campus towards the subway station  
~~~  
His phone buzzed as he took the escalator down to the platform, and he thanked God that it was Eliza texting him, not completely sure he’d be able to fight the urge to throw his phone onto the tracks if it was anyone else. 

**eliza**  
_alex said you got a phone call and ran off, everything good with the kids?_

He was almost positive Alex had told them more than that, but he could unpack that later. 

**john**  
_mary-eleanor is sick. i have 2 go pick her up ASAP because she has a fever. and i have a bio exam this afternoon w/ a prof that doesn’t let u make tests up so i’m thinking of just dropping out of school._

He shot off, only half kidding about the last part. It had crossed his mind a few times that maybe they would have been better off in South Carolina, still staying in the duplex condo that they shared with a friend of his late mother's. And sure, Columbia was his only shot at getting out and working towards a better life for himself and the kids. But that didn’t mean he didn’t occasionally second guess things. 

John was pulled from his thoughts when he saw a “short delay” notice pop up on the train wait time screen and groaned. Had he manifested that by using it as an excuse with Alex? 

**eliza**  
_i don’t have an afternoon class and if you get her back to your place i can stay with her so you can go take your test? ik she doesn’t really remember me well, your sister your call._

If anyone asked he would say the tears welling up in his eyes were because of the train delay, but the truth of the matter was that Eliza was a saint, and as jostled as he had been by running into her his first week at Columbia, he now couldn’t imagine being able to function there without her. He more or less texted her exactly that, along with the address for their apartment before shoving his phone back in his bag and sitting down on a bench to wait for the train. 

Almost forty-five minutes passed by the time he got to the school, and he tried to ignore the glare the nurse was shooting him as she let him back to retrieve Mary-Eleanor. She looked absolutely miserable curled up on a cot in the corner of the room that looked past it's best, her small frame looking weaker than John had remembered it looking just a few hours ago.

“Hey munchkin, I’m sorry you don’t feel good,” He said as he crouched down in front of her, the five-year-old only giving a tired nod as she reached out to him. Slinging her backpack over his shoulder, he picked her up gently, grabbing a wet wipe from the nurses' station to wipe the sweat off her face with. 

“Next time your tummy hurts in the morning do you think you can use your words to tell me? I won’t be mad, you can’t help getting sick.” He said and she nodded again before dropping her head onto his shoulder, John giving a curt thank you to the front office staff before starting back to their apartment. 

Eliza was already there when they arrived and gave John a sympathetic smile as he walked up the steps. “Let me just get her in pajamas. She’s half asleep, so she shouldn’t be much of an issue.” He said as he opened the door, dropping both of the backpacks on his person by the door. He disappeared down the hallway and emerged back out while Mary-Eleanor was in the bathroom, feeling uneasy when Eliza looked like she was holding something back. He had a feeling this was about Alex and hesitated before clearing his throat, Eliza looking up at him. 

“Francis Kinloch came to our lunch table looking for you.” She said quietly, John freezing. So it wasn’t about Alex, it was worse. 

“Did he say anything?” He asked curtly, Eliza grimacing. 

“He heard Alex say you got a phone call which made you run off and he made a weird show out of wondering what it was about, but I told him to go away and he did.” 

John gulped, dragging the trash can from the kitchen over to the couch for when he left Eliza with Mary-Eleanor, half wondering if he’d need it himself depending on where this conversation went. 

“He covered for me with Alex on Friday, but I still don’t trust him,” John said, running a hand through his hair as he sat down next to her, his foot tapping anxiously against the floor. 

“Me neither,” Eliza started, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder. “but if it makes you feel better I think he’s all talk. He’s an ass, but he knows what you and your family went through isn’t a joke. I don't think he'd actually sell you out, just that he gets a kick out of posturing about it.” 

Before he could say he wasn’t so sure about that himself, Mary-Eleanor came out of the bathroom, pausing in the hallway seemingly confused by the presence of another person in the apartment. 

“Jacky?” She said cautiously and John motioned her over, lifting her onto his lap. 

He ran a handle through her hair, Eliza smiling softly at the little girl.“I have to go take a test at school, but my friend Eliza is going to stay with you until I get back, okay?” He said, Mary-Eleanor only leaning more into him. He rocked her some, praying she wouldn’t start freaking out like she had earlier in the morning. 

“I’ve met you before sweetheart, but you were really tiny so I don’t think you remember me,” Eliza said softly. Mary-Eleanor still seemed skeptical, but she also seemed too tired to put a ton of thought into much of anything, letting John move her off of his lap and into being propped up with a pillow and blanket against the couch arm. He kissed her head before turning to leave, and lingering in the doorway until Eliza assured him they’d be fine and gently shooed him out.  
~~~  
Walking into the science building resulted in walking directly into Lafayette, and while John knew they had more sense than Alex, they were still one of the last people they wanted to see. But before he could tell them he had to go take a test, Lafayette was talking a mile a minute. 

“What did Alex do? He said he was worried about you and I assumed he may not have expressed that to you in uhm, the best way.” They said, and John had to laugh. Yeah, that was putting it mildly. 

“I have to take a test so I really don't have time to get into this right now," John started, not meeting Lafayette's eyes. "But he hasn’t acted all nosy like this in weeks so I thought maybe we were past it. I guess not.” He continued, somewhat off-put by how genuinely upset he realized he sounded, the anger he had felt for the past few hours starting to morph into something else. 

“If the way he was acting at lunch meant anything he’s going to have a fifteen-minute long apology speech ready by the next time you see him. He cares genuinely, he just doesn’t stick the landing in showing it.” Lafayette said, John biting his lip. They probably weren’t wrong, but it still didn’t completely justify it 

“I get that, but I have a feeling he’d react the same way I do if I accosted him for information about what he said at the debate.” He started, a version of what he had nearly shouted at Alex after Political Theory spilling out “And hell, I understand family issues! I’d understand whatever his baggage is more than anyone, I think. But I respect that he doesn’t talk about it.” He continued, deflating when he was done and noticing that he must have been louder than he thought he was when he saw a few other students looking over at them. 

Lafayette’s face had shifted to a look John couldn’t quite place, their eyebrows furrowed and lips pressed together in a thin line. 

“What?” John said and took a small step back, Lafayette’s face immediately shifting out of whatever that was back into their normal half-smile. 

“Nothing mon ami, good luck on your test.” They said and hung back for a brief awkward second before walking off. 

But John felt like there was something left unsaid. And if he already wasn’t going to do great on his exam, he sure as hell wouldn’t be now, he thought as he walked into the lecture hall and sat down.  
~~~  
So he definitely bombed the test. But it was just one test, and they weren’t even a full month into the semester, so he tried to push it from his mind completely as he gathered his things and walked out of the hall. He made his way towards the elevator but stopped short when he saw Alex’s familiar short ponytail and Northface backpack standing a few feet ahead in his path. He seemed to be engaged in animated conversation with someone that John couldn’t quite see. Until he took a few steps closer, and the other student seemed to recognize him over Alex’s shoulder first. Francis. 

_“He heard Alex say you got a phone call which made you run off and made a weird show out of wondering what it was about,”_

John wanted to turn tail and go towards the stairs instead of the elevator but for some God forsaken reason he couldn’t get his feet to move, Eliza’s recounting of the incident at lunch ringing in his head. Eliza telling Francis to screw off, and Francis not actually running his mouth hadn’t been enough. Alex had tracked him down to get the information that Francis had previously had the courtesy of holding back. And to think he had thought Alex had taken a turn when it came to this bullshit. 

He was so lost in thought that he didn’t even register Alex following Francis’ gaze and turning around, or Francis walking away and Alex walking towards him. Not until he opened his mouth 

“Oh hey, I’m so glad you’re here. I wanted to apolo-” He started, John cutting him off, still feeling somewhat shell shocked. 

“Why were you talking to him?” He said shortly, and the way Alex’s eyebrows shot up almost made John wish he could pull a stunt as his little brother had at school. 

“Francis. I know you saw that I saw you, please don’t treat me like I’m stupid.” He continued, Alex’s face falling. John couldn’t tell if it was because he himself sounded close to tears or because of some selfish reason. Not that he particularly like either of those options. 

“We’re on debate together, I hate the guy but-” Alex tried to continue, John again jumping in before he could finish his sentence. 

“Eliza told me about what happened at lunch.” He started, his voice pitching up an octave. He could feel his hands starting to fidget and shoved them in his pockets. “ You were talking about me.” 

Alex opened his mouth to respond, but whatever excuse he was about to make John didn’t want to hear it. Nor did he want to hear any sympathetic consolations about the information that Francis had no doubt just lauded onto him. Even if Alex seemed to have baggage himself, there was a world of difference between being a foster kid and being John Laurens. There was some sort of twisted trauma hierarchy there, and John knew that his being on the bottom rung would play into how Alex was going to treat him now. And if there was a small desire for something more than platonic between them, no matter how minuscule it might've been, that was gone now, for sure. 

“You can’t handle that I’m not an open fucking book, so you went to get information out of him.” He said, barely able to get the words out through the lump in his throat that was growing by the second. And the devastated look on Alex’s face wasn’t helping anything, it just made him feel worse- worse about everything. 

“Will you let me talk? That wasn’t- that wasn’t what I was doing at all.” Alex said, and he sounded so torn up that John almost believed him. Almost. 

But he had believed his father too. He had believed Martha Manning. And for a fleeting moment, when he had first stepped onto the Columbia campus a month ago he believed in himself. What an idiotic move that had been. 

“This was a mistake.” He mumbled, more to himself than anyone. 

“Yeah, if you’d just let me explain that,” Alex started again evidently having heard him, but John finally felt like he wasn’t glued to the floor tiles anymore so he did what he did best. What he did at the Governor's Gala, what he did the second he got a ticket out of South Carolina, and what he would always do when it felt like the walls were closing in around him. 

He ran. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, so this actually ended up being as much 'john being john' as it was 'alex being alex', but yeah. these poor sweeties. they really are trying. 
> 
> on another note: there were two little bits of foreshadowing in here, one based in history/the real john laurens and one pertaining only to this little universe. feel free to comment abt 'em and yell at/with me. like i said last update, feeling the story start to really pick up and develop the more i write makes me so wired, but in a good way LOL.
> 
> next chapter: an alex point-of-view interlude
> 
> xoxo,
> 
> Y.A.


	7. mea culpa (alex interlude I)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"We men are wretched things."_   
>  **\- The Iliad**

So John was definitely pissed at him. _Really_ pissed at him. All the other times he had seemed to get on his nerves he still sat next to him in class, and showed up to lunch even if only to talk to Eliza and Lafayette. But on this particular Tuesday, Alex noticed as he made his way over to their table in the dining hall that John was absent and Lafayette was glaring daggers at him.

“Don’t look at me like that.” He mumbled as he threw his bag down, not particularly enjoying the look Eliza was giving him either. Another few minutes of silence passed before he couldn't let it go on another second, putting his fork down and huffing.

“Were you at least going to ask for my side of the story?” He said, cocking an eyebrow. Lafayette went to say something that from their expression looked strongly worded, Eliza putting a hand on their arm that seemed to calm them down a degree.

“We didn’t even get his side Alex, but when I asked if he was coming to lunch after class he looked at me all doe-eyed and walked off.” They said, expression sullen. So John wasn’t just avoiding him, but it was _worse_ that he was avoiding all three of them. 

“And you assumed it was my fault.” He said, more to himself than anyone else, but the scoff it produced from Lafayette made him realize he wasn’t as quiet as he thought he was

“To be fair Alex, you kinda just admitted that it was. We didn’t even know there _was_ a story until you said that.” Eliza said gently. 

Alex put his head in his hands for a brief moment and sighed. Sure, maybe he shouldn’t have tried to approach Francis at all. But John barely let him get a word in before jumping to his own conclusions.

“I ran into Francis yesterday afternoon and I tried to reiterate what you said about him needing to fuck off because we didn’t need an informant on our friend.” He started, Lafayette’s face softening. “And I turn around and John is looking at me like I shot him. He assumed that I had gone to Francis for I don’t know, insider secrets, and he flipped out and ran before I could explain anything.” He continued, sighing. “And I’ve tried to text him, but they aren’t even being delivered so I’m pretty sure he blocked my number.”

That had been one of the worst parts of the past twenty-four hours. He had tried to text him after he ran off, and again later that night. But when he had opened their texts that morning to see if John had left him on read he realized his original two messages weren’t sending at all. 

“I think maybe we just need to give John some space. He’s seemed to be under a lot of stress lately, and maybe he handles that best by being left alone.” Lafayette said, Eliza nodding along. But Alex didn’t quite like that answer. Dealing with his problems alone had never worked out well for him, so he struggled to see why it would for anyone else.

“He shouldn’t have to deal with whatever is stressing him out alone.” He said, sounding admiralty more defensive than he had been going for. Lafayette gave him a look he couldn’t quite place, Eliza taking a sip of her soda before clearing her throat.

“He’s been this way since he was a teenager, everybody copes differently.” She said and Alex felt like she hadn’t quite completed her train of thought, but he also knew better than to prod her, especially now. Just like he wasn’t going to tell her that he wasn’t sure if he really believed that she knew John from someone unnamed summer camp that Francis Kinloch also went to. Eliza was from New York, Francis was from South Carolina and the only information John ever shared about where he was from was ‘the south’. So maybe he knew Francis, Alex could buy that much. But he wasn’t quite sure about the string connecting him to Eliza. She and Francis both had politician fathers, but that didn’t seem like something that John would be so dead set on hiding if that was the thread. Not to mention that he'd be an unfit political science major if that was the connection and he hadn't figured it out by now

Not that it really mattered anyway, now that Alex was as good as dead to him  
~~~  
The next day John walked into Political Theory and into a seat all the way across the lecture hall from Alex, not even so much as glancing at him. And knowing he couldn’t approach didn’t make him any less concerned when he noticed that John somehow looked even more exhausted than he had on Monday. He had half expected him to fall asleep in class, but the second the lecture was over he was up shooting out of the room like a rocket.

On Thursday John was two people ahead of Alex in the Starbucks line, and it was admittedly a lot harder not to say something than it had been in class. But he was on the phone, which was enough to keep him from opening his mouth. Especially given that from the way his eyebrows were furrowed, the call seemed to be important.

“I just need like, two days. I had to buy a book for one of my classes but Alicia gets paid on Saturday and I’ll have the money then.” He said, running a hand through his hair.

 _Alicia?_ John had never mentioned a girlfriend.

“You know I’ve never been late on rent before, please.” He continued, and Alex frowned. If things were different and John wasn’t upset with him he'd help him with rent in a heartbeat. But that obviously wasn’t possible now. John ended the call as he got to the front of the line, and as he walked away after he placed his order he seemed to notice Alex out of the corner of his eye, pausing. Alex forced a smile and gave a small wave, John not returning either gesture.

On Friday Alex stayed at the library until close to midnight, walking along the sidewalk back to his dorm with his headphones in. As he got closer to the building he saw a familiar blue hoodie and head of curls opening the door out of the building and walking in the other direction. John didn’t seem to notice him like he had at the coffee shop, Alex curious what exactly he _had_ been doing in the dorm building, especially so late.

“Was John just in here?” He said as he walked into his room, Lafayette not looking up from their Nintendo Switch as he gave a short “no” in response, Alex flopping down onto his own bed.

“Well I saw him walking out. Must’ve been with Eliza.” He contemplated and looked back at Lafayette, who could’ve seemed to care less about anything that wasn’t their Animal Crossing village.

“Is it just me that feels like those two are hiding something?” Alex tried, that remark getting Lafayette to look up.

“You pay this much attention to John and you haven’t realized he’s gay.” They deadpanned, quirking an eyebrow. 

It had crossed his mind a few times, more times than he would ever actually admit. But if John was gay, then he was the Alicia that was apparently paying his rent?

Alex shook the thought away, grabbing one of his pillows and chucking in his roommate’s direction “I didn’t mean hiding something as in screwing!” He said, catching the pillow when Lafayette chucked it right back at him and studying their face. They were just as bad at being mysterious as the rest of them.

“You know something I don’t?” He asked, sitting straight up when they saw Lafayette’s cheeks start to flush.

“What the hell? You do!” 

There were about a million questions on the tip of Alex's tongue, but the way Lafayette sat straight up, their expression suddenly serious, gave him pause. He hadn't seen them look that unnerved in the entire month that they'd lived together, not even when their neighbor down the hall made snarky comments about the way they chose the present themselves and the pronouns sign they'd affixed to their door during move-in.

“Alex,” They said, tone stern. But they didn’t seem to know where to go from there, which gave Alex too much time to interject.

“I swear to God if you tell me you went to summer camp together,” He said, Lafayette’s face faltering even more at his accusatory tone. If they wanted Alex to leave well enough alone, looking so scandalized wasn’t really helping their case. But his raised eyebrow was only met with crossed arms.

“You try to keep your own past a secret, do you not?” They said, Alex recoiling.

“No I don’t, you heard what I said at the debate. You were there.” He said defensively, even though deep down he knew where Lafayette was going with this, and that they weren’t completely off in their assessment.

“And that’s the only time you’ve mentioned it to any of us before or since. If I asked you right now to tell me why you grew up in foster care would you tell me?” They asked, the question striking such a nerve that “That’s not fair!” was out of his mouth before he could think of a more tempered response.

“Exactly, so let John have this.” Lafayette said, Alex dropping his head into his heads.

It wasn’t about him telling him every minuscule detail of his life. It was never about the information itself. But now being the only one not in John's trusted good graces made Alex feel like he had made a fool of himself calling him a close friend just seven days ago when he was walking him home after the debate. Not to mention that at this rate Eliza and Lafayette would be pushing him away soon too. He’d never had a group of friends before, and thinking that that had finally changed was stupid in hindsight.

“I know it’s mostly my own fault, but I like him a lot. This was something I tried so hard not to self-sabotage and now I’m the only one he doesn’t trust so I guess I did.” Alex said, chewing on the inside of his cheek.

Lafayette uncrossed their arms at that, their expression less defensive as they crossed the room and sat down next to Alex on the edge of his bed. “I don’t know because he told me Alex,” They said, Alex furrowing his eyebrows together. “I figured it out by accident, and I’m not even planning on telling him I know. Not when it would probably just freak him out.”

_"Oh."_

While Alex wondered in the back of his mind how bad it was that Lafayette didn’t even want to tell him he knew, he somewhat understood. Just a few years ago he had to move high schools over a group of kids harassing him when they found out who his foster parents were. And the comments about it never went away, but he much preferred the awkward smiling of recognition to the badgering about getting a follow-back on Twitter. Sometimes things were just better left unsaid.

“He may need a little space to get his head screwed on, but he likes you too. He wouldn’t be so upset about a misunderstanding if he didn’t.” Lafayette continued, putting an arm around him and ruffling his hair. Childish as it was, he couldn’t deny it was comforting. “And I think he’d trust you more if you trusted him.” They said, Alex nodding and letting Lafayette pull him into a side hug before excusing himself to go brush his teeth, ready to just go to sleep and forget about all of this for a few hours. When he came out of the bedroom and grabbed his phone from his bed to set his alarm for the next morning he nearly dropped it, a barrage of texts having come through in the few minutes that he was gone.

**john**  
_eliza told me what actually happened_  
_i was having a shitty day_  
_but i’m sorry i didn’t give u the chance to explain_  
_and i appreciate u standing up for me_  
_fresh start?_

Alex crawled into bed, hovering his thumb above the keyboard as he read them all a second time. A fresh start sounded nice, and like something they desperately needed.

**alex**  
_fresh start._  
_(i’m sorry too)_

He hit send, unable to hold back the smile that tugged at his lips when a notification came through that John had love reacted to both of the texts. But, he could feel Lafayette’s eyes burning into the side of his skull. He locked his phone and turned his head, Lafayette meeting his eyes with a smirk.

“What? Alex said, grateful their lights were off when he felt his cheeks flush. Lafayette didn’t say anything, only laughing quietly before turning back over to face the wall. Closing his eyes and burying himself under the blankets, Alex looked forward to Monday in a way he didn’t think he had ever looked forward to that particular day of the week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah, laf knows. i hope y’all enjoyed this little alex POV interlude bc there are two more coming in the current mapping out that i have of this story! 
> 
> also: the alicia john mentioned on the phone is based off of alicia hopton, who was a friend of john laurens irl before he joined the war. but as for this story, she’s the ~family friend~ that got a small mention in the last chapter. 
> 
> next chapter: john and alex’s fresh start is going off without a hitch and everything is wonderful and it rains glitter and unicorns 24 hours a day and everyone has off the charts serotonin levels and nothing hurts (-: (plus a little prelude into everyone's favorite college au trope that starts with a p and rhymes with hearty)


	8. ramus oliue uirentis (olive branch)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _“Of all the animals on earth we least know what is good for us.”_   
>  **\- The Iliad**

A cool October breeze blew against John’s face as he walked onto the Columbia campus, and for the first time in weeks he finally felt like the weight of the entire world, and then some, wasn’t on his shoulders. Frances’ sleep study had gone well with no earth-shattering end result, they’d finally been able to find time to meet back up with Governor Schuyler alongside Mrs. Schuyler, and the misunderstanding between himself and Alex had been cleared up. All of those things had him in an exceptionally good mood. So much so that he had swung by Einstein Bagels to pick up lunch for everyone on the way to their study session, Alicia having felt so bad about being late with rent money than she had thrown in an extra hundred dollars and told John to treat himself. 

John swiped into the library, making his way down the hallway to the conference room at the end and clearing his throat as he entered the room.

“Hey!” Eliza said and looked up from her textbook, smiling and motioning for him to sit down. “You’re so sweet, you didn’t have to bring us food.”

Alex looked up at that, smiling.

“I really have to finish this chapter before I can touch it, but thanks.” He said, the remark earning him a glare from Eliza. John had noticed since the beginning of the semester that Alex was finicky when it came to food, and he tried not to push him about it. But if he had to guess, he probably hadn’t eaten all day and it was pushing two in the afternoon.

“Eat, please,” John said, nudging his order towards him with a gentle smile. Alex rolled his eyes, but closed his book and grabbed it anyway. 

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re the dad friend?” He said as he opened his drink, John hesitating for a moment before realizing it would only be weirder if he _didn’t_ laugh. As if on queue his phone buzzed, and a text from Harry appeared on the screen when he glanced at it under the table.

**harry**  
_you got a second? we’re at lunch and mary-eleanor has been begging to facetime you for 20 minutes._

John stifled a laugh, excusing himself to use the bathroom and leaving the room. New York City Public Schools were closed for the day, and John had almost cried when Eliza’s mom had called in the morning to offer to take the kids to the zoo and give him a day to himself. But even so, he missed them when they weren’t around. Ducking into the bathroom alcove he shot back a text to Harry, an incoming Facetime call popping up within seconds.

“Hi Jacky!” A small voice said from the other end, though the only thing visible was her freckle covered nose. 

“Move the camera back, I can only see your nostrils,” John said lightly, Mary-Eleanor holding the phone out a little further and grinning.

“We’re at lunch and and I got a hot dog and french fries and Harry an’ Mars lemme and Jemmy have a Sprite!” She said excitedly, not allowing John to get a word in before she was turning the phone around and showing it to Frances, who was sitting at the head of the table on Harry’s lap.

“Look!” She yelled, which earned the toddler’s attention.

Frances gave the screen a perplexed look, tilting her head. “Dad-ee?” She said, Harry taking his phone back off of Mary-Eleanor to bring it closer, the toddler giggling when she got a closer look and appeared to fully realize who was on the other end of the call.

“Hi baby, are you having fun?” He said, Frances seeming to contemplate the question quite seriously. 

“Nanimals!” She yelled after a beat, John quirking an eyebrow.

“You saw animals?” 

Frances nodded enthusiastically, making faces into the camera. 

“Daddy has to go study now but I’ll see you later,” John said after a minute, kissing his fingers before pressing them to the screen, Harry helping Frances do the same. “I love you.” He concluded before hanging up, going to leave the bathroom alcove and stopping short when he saw Lafayette standing there, having just walked out of the bathroom themself as John was ending the call. 

“Uh,” John said, sucking his bottom lip. It could’ve been worse, it could’ve been Alex. But this wasn’t much better.

Lafayette didn’t respond, John turning his eyes on the carpet.

“Is it going to make you feel better or worse if I say I figured out who you were two weeks ago?” They finally said after a moment, John snapping his head back up.

 _Oh_. Suddenly the look they had given them when he was ranting about Alex and knowing what family issues were like made sense. But outside of that, it seemed as though they were content to let John continue to live in secrecy, confrontation free. Not that that was something he would’ve taken issue with. It was actually quite sweet.

“Both,” John started. “But- how? I know France isn’t that far removed but I didn’t think it uh, got as much traction there. I guess.” He said awkwardly, following Lafayette as they started back down the hallway.

“I spent the summer of 2018 in DC with family friends.” They said as they walked, a chill running down John’s spine at the slight reminder of what exactly that time period held. He stopped short when they were back outside the conference room, putting an arm out before Lafayette could open the door. 

“Please don’t tell him.”

John said quietly, Lafayette giving him a gentle smile. 

“You have my word.” They said and the both of them walked back into the room, John mouthing Lafayette a silent thank you from across the table as he sat down.

The group fell into a comfortable silence for the afternoon as they studied, save for the occasional interruption by Alex to go off on a tangent about whatever concept he was reading about in his political theory textbook. But if he was being completely honest, John almost got a little excited when he heard the familiar sigh that came from Alex before each rant. He wasn’t too keen on their political theory class himself, and definitely wasn’t going to major in political science, but Alex’s passion for it was palpable. His hands gestured wildly, his eyes lit up like Christmas lights and- okay. Maybe John had a little crush. Emphasis on the little. Especially when there was no hope for it actually going anywhere so long as he acted like, as Alex had said in their first week of school, that they were all on Undercover Boss.

As they walked out of the library Alex turned one way to walk back to his dorm, John turning the other direction to get to the train until he heard Alex calling out from behind him. He turned, Alex gesturing for Lafayette and Eliza to stay back as he picked up to a jog to catch up with him.

“Don’t tell them I told you this, but Laf has a date tomorrow night.” Alex said, John furrowing his eyebrows.

“So the room will be free and I was uh-” He started, his tone uneven, for what reason John didn’t know. “If you want to come over and watch a movie or something. Hang out somewhere that’s less, academia?” He continued, shoving his hands into the front pocket of his sweatshirt. _Was he nervous?_ John thought briefly, but concluded he was probably just cold.

“Text me a time?” He said, Alex grinning and agreeing before running back off to catch up with Lafayette and Eliza. Lafayette said something John couldn’t hear that seemed to make Alex flustered, which regrettably occupied his mind his entire walk to the subway.  
~~~  
Seven o’clock the next day rolled around and John was standing in Alex’s dorm, Alex on the ground messing with the settings on his TV monitor. There were a few things in the room that John took notice of; the non-binary flag hanging over the desk on Lafayette’s side, the number of journals haphazardly strewn all over the ground on Alex’s side. But his eyes were more than anything else pulled to a small photo he had taped to his bed frame. It was Alex looking around three years old, a woman who he looked almost identical to holding him on her hip and standing in the ocean. It would be a sweet photo, but remembering the way his voice shook at the debate when he talked about knowing what it was like when good parents were hung out to dry just made his heart sink.

“My mother, she died when I was ten,” Alex said from the ground, John stopping just short of making a quip about how they were both members of the dead mom club.

“I thought it was really moving what you said at the debate. About how your uh- upbringing impacted your worldview.” He said, Alex not meeting his eyes.

“I think trauma is the word you’re looking for.” He said and laughed quietly, going back to messing with the TV. John couldn’t help laughing in return. At the way that they knew they could relate to each other even if they didn’t know how, at the way Alex’s forehead creased when he laughed. At everything that had led him from drinking whisky in a dimly lit Charleston hotel room at barely sixteen years old to standing inside a dorm at Columbia. 

“At least all the bullshit led to us both winding up here. You know like what they say in the Iliad,” He said as he sat down on one of the beanbags Alex had dragged out. Alex completed his thought as he pulled up Hulu, not turning around.

“No one alive has ever escaped fate, neither brave man nor coward.”

John nodded silently, Alex grabbing the remote and scooting back onto the beanbag next to him. 

“Anything you’ve been dying to see?” He asked, navigating around on Hulu through the different categories on the home screen.

“My sister is obsessed with School of Rock, but I’ve never actually seen it,” John said when he saw Alex click by the poster for it, Alex quirking an eyebrow.

“You have siblings?” He asked as he navigated back to it, opening it up and glancing at John, assumedly for an answer to his question, before he hit play.

“Uh, yeah.” He said, relieved when Alex hit play without any follow-up questions. The past week since they had agreed to a fresh start had gone as smoothly as it could have, and he was glad that didn’t seem like it would be coming to a screeching halt anytime soon.

They watched the movie mostly in silence, save for laughing at the early 2000s humor and Alex making the occasional quip comparing Dewey to another former substitute teacher he knew. About an hour in he hit pause to use the bathroom, coming back into the room with his hair out of his ponytail and falling around his face.

_Just a small crush. It was just a small crush._

“Eliza tell you about the party that her and Theodosia are throwing next weekend?” Alex asked as he sat back down, pushing his hair out of his eyes.

“She didn’t mention it,” John said. 

He didn’t fault her, not really. Especially when she was definitely not far off to assume that the idea of going to a party made him want to jump out of his skin. But wasn’t the whole point of coming to New York starting over with a fresh-ish slate? Surely a college party would be fine, given the stark differences between that and what his weekends had consisted of in South Carolina. 

“Probably just forgot to,” Alex said. “You should come though.”

John picked at a thread on his joggers, not looking up. “I don’t drink.” He said quietly, hoping Alex wouldn’t make a wisecrack about it, even if it was innocent. 

“Hey, no judgment here,” He started and John breathed a small sigh of relief. “But you should still go, it might do you some good to loosen up a little.”

“You going to make a move on Eliza then?” John asked before he could stop himself, pressing his lips together before he could say anything else that impulsive.

It was an earnest question in that he had been curious if a continuation of their summer love was still in the cards. But there were _some_ ulterior motives underneath of his earnestness, motives that John knew Eliza would see immediately if he opted to ask her about it. If Alex was thrown off he looked to be taking it in stride, shaking his head giving John a small smirk.

“Nah. That relationship, whatever it was, is a closed book. Laf just ribs me about it because they’re bored.” He said and grabbed the remote, unpausing the movie and ending the conversation there.

Which was fine, he was enjoying the movie. But fifteen minutes back in John’s neck was starting to ache.

If he leaned back he wouldn’t be able to see the screen, and if he leaned a little to the left that wouldn’t be an issue. It would, however, mean resting on Alex’s shoulder. Which sounded nice in theory, but in practice, it would probably make him uncomfortable. Alex had mentioned being bi in passing at lunch once, though John wasn’t attracted to every man on earth just because he was gay and he knew the same applied to Alex. 

“My shoulder doesn’t bite you know.” Alex quipped, John stuttering out a meek ‘sorry’ in response. He hadn’t even realized he had been looking at his shoulder and not the screen until he said something. Quickly shifting his eyes back towards the movie, he fought the urge to disintegrate from embarrassment. 

But even with his eyes diverted he could feel the way Alex was looking at him. He glanced back for a moment, hoping he didn’t look as embarrassed as he felt.

“Can I?” Alex said softly, and John froze. A few long seconds passed and Alex seemed to realize what it had sounded like he might’ve been suggesting, his eyes widening. “My arm- I meant.” He rushed out, cheeks flushed as he held up his right arm awkwardly, John taking a breath and nodding wordlessly. The smile that crossed Alex’s face as he put his arm around his shoulder wasn’t lost on John as he shifted to lean against him, trying to pay attention to the movie and not the way that being so close to Alex made him feel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh dear sweet john and your not understanding that triggers don’t magic poof away when you cross state lines, it breaks my heart that you’re going to learn that the hard way ):
> 
> next chapter: party time! what could go wrong?
> 
> a few author’s notes:
> 
> 1) we’re getting more into john’s back story/why exactly henry is in prison as we move forward here, *especially* in the next chapter. i’ll do overarching trigger warnings, but if you need more specific ones please let me know! 
> 
> 2) deepest apologies if how dialouge-heavy this story is is annoying. i'm a playwright before i'm a fiction writer, so dialogue is my roundhouse and that uh, really comes through here. 
> 
> 3) come hang with me on tumblr and feel free to send anons about this story/universe! my url is janthony-grofflin-trenches <3


	9. hic sunt leones (here be lions)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _“Is he not sacred, even to the gods, the wandering man who comes in weariness?”_   
>  **\- The Iliad**
> 
> trigger warning for flashbacks involving sex trafficking. no abuse of any kind is actually described in detail or in anything explicit, but it’s still a heavy chapter- hence the warning. (and also just an author’s note that the flashback here is from the same day/night as the flashback from chapter four- which timeline wise took place in early 2018)

Alex had talked about the party all week, and in spite of how much John had looked forward to going, his excitement wasn’t enough to avoid the sinking feeling in his gut as he followed Alex into the dormitory and towards the common space on Eliza’s floor. But, he wasn’t quite ready to admit that might have been a mistake. 

Not when Eliza, alongside Harry and Martha when they found out where he was going, had tried to convince him of that themselves. Not when he wanted more than anything for them to be wrong. This was Columbia, seven hundred miles from South Carolina. And sure, maybe he passed out in the middle of the dining hall upon seeing Eliza on campus for the first time, but that was just a fluke. It was the first week of school for him and he was still stressed from the move. Now that he’d settled in he was past being so touchy, at least he told himself as much in his head as he walked in lockstep with Alex.

“You sure you don’t want a drink?” He said as they entered the scene, the volume of the music making his inner ears vibrate. John shook his head, trying to steel his focus on Alex and everything else in the room that made it glaringly obvious where they were. Not too far from where they were standing he saw Eliza, and looked away before he could see the worried look she gave him from across the room. 

“That’s alright, dance with me though?” Alex said excitedly over the music and John forced a smile, following him deeper into the sea of people.

His mind started to fog up the longer the spent in the epicenter of the crowd, but he kept his eyes glued to Alex as he swayed to the music, trying to dance in a way that obfuscated his nerves. It didn’t hurt that Alex was nice to look at, his hair being pulled back into a top knot allowing for a clear view of his eyes, and the way his mouth quirked as he lip-synced to the Queen song currently blasting through the speakers. 

And keeping his focus on him instead of the growing stench of alcohol and sweat was working, mostly. Until someone behind them’s phone rang, the windchime melody feeling familiar in a way that made his throat lurch.

_He let his phone ring almost all the way through before huffing and picking it up, John noticing from his spot sitting on the edge of the bed that the caller ID said ‘Henry Laurens’. Letting out a nervous cough earned him a glare, Lachlan not moving his eyes from him as he took the call._

_“William? Last I heard he was wherever Rich went off to with the twins. Somewhere on floor twelve- maybe ten, I don’t know. But stop worrying about it. He knows better than to make an ass out of himself when we're cutting it this close to time.” He said and hung up immediately, tossing his phone back onto the desk. John felt like he had just had a bucket of ice water thrown over him._

_“Why are the other kids here?” He said slowly, though his mind was racing. As soon as Junior had told him what he overheard Henry say on the phone he’d run right downstairs and begged him not to make them go. He had sobbed, making promises which made him ill to think about keeping. And he thought it had worked. When they left for the night it had just been the two of them and the Mannings in the car. But Henry must have gone back for the others after sending John on his way._

_Lachlan roughly cupped John’s face in his hands, and he was used to that. He was long used to that, but now he just had to figure out where the other kids were. Yanking back out of his grasp, he took a shaky breath when he could sense Lachlan’s face shift- his frustration palpable._

“No! Where are they?”

“Where’s who?”

Alex, that was Alex’s voice. He could hear Alex’s voice, though it was muffled. He could hear the thrum of a different song starting. But all he could see were the gleaming white walls of the hotel suite, a re-run of some Lifetime movie from the early 2000s playing on the TV, the background music to his breathing.

“The kids- I have to find the kids.” He said, taking another step back. He stumbled back onto someone and they yelped, John flinching hard. Had someone else come into the room? He felt tremors rattling through his frame, but he couldn’t pass out. He always got in trouble when he passed out.

Alex’s voice returned, pushing through in short bursts.

“Hey, you!” 

“Find E-, 

“- John emergency,” 

“Her room”

And then there were hands on his shoulder, nudging him towards the hallway and they were gentle hands- but that never made a difference. He didn't want to go to the party, he wanted his siblings. His throat started to feel hoarse, and he realized he was screaming. He could feel people staring at him. But hadn’t they booked the entire top five floors of the hotel? Why would anyone nearby be unnerved by screaming? Though it was rarely him, it wasn't often these nights went without _someone_ screaming.

Then he was in another room, but Mars and Junior weren't there and he had to figure out where they were- they weren't supposed to be here. 

“John, you need to take some deep breaths, slowly.”

There was Alex’s voice again, and it was less muffled than it had been before- but still out of reach. John would’ve reached out and grabbed it if he could. But he couldn’t. He thrust his hands forward, in an attempt, the same gentle hands that had been on his shoulders before connecting with his wrists and he jerked back, screaming bloody murder as he had been before. Maybe if he caused a scene annoying enough, they'd cave and tell Henry to let the other kids leave.

“You’re safe at Columbia, no one here is getting hurt. There are no kids here.”

This time his voice felt significantly closer- and after a couple of minutes, the starch hotel suite walls started to fade into peeling grey paint. There was a photo of the wall of Eliza Schuyler and her sisters, that didn’t belong in a hotel in Charleston. John squeezed his eyes shut, and when he opened them Eliza herself was standing in front of him. That _definitely_ didn’t belong in Charleston. 

He could actually see Alex then too, standing behind Eliza. He was wearing an undone button-up with a Columbia muscle tank, and if John listened closer he could hear music from down the hall that was making the walls vibrate.

_Oh._

This wasn’t Charleston at all. This was the party he’d gone to with Alex. Where had just made a complete and abysmal fool of himself over God knows what. Probably something stupid.

Eliza said something to Alex that he didn’t hear, but whatever it was prompted him to duck out of the room and close the door behind him, leaving the two of them alone.

“Do you know where you are?” She asked slowly, crouching on the ground in front of him. Feeling a lump forming in his throat, he opted to nod instead of saying anything.

“Okay, that’s good- but you still need to take some deep breaths so you don’t slip back into an episode. In and out, really slowly.” 

Following her lead and mimicking her inhalations helped a little. But only with the part of his brain that was half-convinced he was back in South Carolina. Not the part that was screaming at him for humiliating himself. 

“I thought- I just wanted to have a normal college party experience like everyone else.” He said after a minute, considering it a win that he got through the sentence without bursting into tears. Eliza nodded along, getting up off the floor to sit next to him on her bed.

“It’s not fair that Henry took that from you, and you’re allowed to admit that. Pretending that you came out unscathed is always going to hurt more than it helps.” She said, John unable to stop a few stray tears from falling down his face.

Deep down, he knew she was right. Hell- it was what he had spent the past two years trying to get across to the kids. What type of example was he for them if he couldn’t listen to his own advice? Certainly not a good one.

“And don’t even start with thinking this somehow hurt Alex. He’s worried about you, but he’s fine.” She continued, and John gulped. 

Of course, she had been able to tell that he was thinking about Alex. Earlier in the week when John mentioned Alex had invited him to the party she had glossed right over that part to worry about John going at all, but he could tell from her face that her wheels were turning. At this rate, he was surprised she hadn’t brought it up directly, even if he didn’t have to slightest clue what he would actually say if she did.

“Still embarrassed myself, and what if he asks why I was talking about finding kids? I can’t- there’s no lie about that he’d actually believe.” John said, sighing and leaning back against the wall.

“Would it make you feel better if I talked to him?” Eliza started, John springing back up. “Just to tell him not to ask you about that.” She finished and he relaxed, giving a small nod.

“Send him in here when you’re done?” He asked, and she said she would before stepping back out into the hallway, John seeing before she closed the door behind her that Alex had been pacing in the hallway the entire time.

A few minutes passed without the door re-opening, John dropping his head into his hands. Even fully out of his episode, every minuscule thought felt like a chore with the way his head was pounding. He wanted to go home and fall into bed, but the idea of finding his way back to the subway, and then all the way back to the apartment, was threatening to make him burst into tears just from exhaustion.

“I have PTSD too, and if you think _you_ humiliated yourself then I have a few stories that this would pale in comparison to.” Alex said, John looking up and realizing he hadn’t even heard him come in, forcing a small smile. 

“The worst part is after an episode when your brain is just, complete mush.” He said quietly as Alex sat down on the very edge of the bed, so much so that he might as well have been doing a squat. 

He was too tired to give being embarrassed that Alex was treating him with kid gloves a second thought, letting out a yawn and rubbing his eyes.

“Laf’s spending the night with a girl and if you don’t want to fuck with the trains when your brain is- you know, mushy, you can crash in our room. They wouldn’t mind.” Alex said, John pulling his eyebrows together. “Aren’t you going back to the party?” He asked, Alex only shrugging.

“Nah, it was a little much for me too if I’m being honest.” He said, standing back up. John moved a little bit forward from against the wall, huffing when his feet hit the floor, even getting from sitting to standing seeming like a monumental task. After a few seconds saw something move out of the corner of his eye, Alex holding his hand out to help him up, his expression hesitant. John took the help to get to his feet without putting much thought into it, a beat passed, and neither of them had separated their hands.

Then another beat passed, and another, and they were still standing there and John was exhausted, but in an aware enough state of mind to feel his heart in his ears as he slowly moved his hand to interlock their fingers. Alex looked surprised and if he had looked at him like that for a second longer John would have pulled away and taken his chances on the subway, but he glanced between their hands and John with a small smile and he was unable to keep from giving him a tired smile in return. Alex led the both of them out into the hallway and towards the stairwell at the other end that would get them to his floor without having to walk back through the party, only separating their hands when he needed to fish his key out of his pocket.

“I chronically wear clothes too big for me, so you should be able to fit into some of my joggers and a shirt to sleep in.” He said as they walked in and he went into his closet, John taking the clothes he passed him with a quiet thank you before stepping into the bathroom to change. Once the door was closed he pulled out his phone and opened the group chat with the twins, not particularly looking forward to admitting they had been right.

**john**  
_crashing @ columbia. be home first thing in the morn._

Martha texted back first, followed within a few seconds by Harry. 

**mars**  
_love you too much to say i told you so, sleep tight!_

**harry**  
_told you so (hope ur ok though)_

Chuckling and sending back an assurance that he was fine followed by a barrage of heart emojis, he stuck his phone on the sink and actually changed, pausing for a moment when he was done to look in the mirror, sighing and splashing some water on his face before stepping back out. Alex was already in bed, looking up from his phone when he heard the door creak. 

“Laf’s not gonna care if you’re here, so don’t worry about having to wake up early or anything.” He said and John nodded, too tired to carry on much of a conversation. But as was typical, by the time he actually crawled into bed he wasn’t half as tired as he had been before. Nevertheless, he pulled the blankets over his head and hoped he would pass out soon enough 

Ten minutes passed, and he was teetering on the edge of sleep- until Alex’s voice cut through the silence from the other side of the room. 

“You’re asleep, right?” He said, and John swallowed. Alex wouldn’t do anything- or hurt him in any way, he was fairly certain of that. But he remained silent, a whole minute passing by at a snail’s pace before Alex spoke again. 

“I know we’ve had our ups and downs, more downs than ups actually. But I’m really glad we met. And I’m glad you offered to start fresh even though I probably didn’t deserve it.” He continued, John glad he was completely covered by blankets, given that his face would definitely blow his fake-sleeping cover if it was visible. 

“And when you were resting on my shoulder while we watched School of Rock, when we were holding hands, I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way before. I don't know what to do with that though, not really. I know you have stuff to work through and I respect that like- a thousand percent. 

The longer Alex talked the more John was half tempted to say something, sit up and tell him that he felt that way whenever he looked at him and didn’t really know what to do about either. But he’d never had half as much courage in his convictions as he liked to think he did. So he stayed quiet, Alex picking back up after waiting a bit, John assumed to reassure himself that he was actually sleeping. 

“What I’m trying to get at, I think, is that I’d wait for you? Not that you have to wait for me, you know if some other guy comes in and nabs you that’s completely fair. But I’d wait for you,” He said, his voice thick with emotion in a way that made it even harder for John to rip the blankets from over his head, the only thing stopping him now the worry that it would startle Alex to death. “And I hope you sleep through the night okay because it seemed like you needed it," 

John waited a few minutes until he heard light snoring to lower the blankets just enough to allow him to see across the room, watching the rise and fall of Alex’s breathing. “You aren’t the only one who doesn’t know what to do.” He whispered under his breath, allowing himself a small sigh before rolling back over and finally drifting off to sleep himself, Alex’s sentiments dancing through his mind and into his far-flung dreams. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> had to end such a heavy chapter on a sweet note <3 love these boys. and 10/10 recommend reading the last half of this chapter while listening to it’s nice to have a friend by taylor swift.
> 
> next chapter: john’s birthday plus eliza, laf and everyone’s favorite pair of twins finding it harder to hold their tongue about his “small” crush


	10. beatus natalis solitariam (happy birthday darling)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _“The proud heart feels not terror nor turns to run and it is his own courage that kills him”_   
>  **\- The Iliad**

John slipped out of Alex’s dorm at 7:05 the next morning, and if he was put off by his sudden departure he didn’t show it. Similarly, John was less put off by Alex’s late-night admission than he thought he would be. So much so that it was killing him not to say something about, just to make it clear that both of them were on the same clueless page. But he didn’t. He spent Sunday reading Alex’s rant texts about his economics research paper and finding memes on Pinterest to send him when a text came through saying he was considering running into traffic since it meant he wouldn’t have to go to college anymore. They were fine, and for all intents and purposes, John should have been content with that. But there was a part of him that wanted to be more than fine, a part of him which seemed to be growing by the hour.

Monday rolled around, and the second John opened his eyes he wanted to close them again, his morning funk that he couldn’t quite pin down a source for carrying over into the walk to school. The last drop off before he would be able to sulk off towards Columbia was the elementary school, Jemmy jumping up onto the short wall separating the sidewalk from the greenery, holding his arms out to balance himself as he walked, his steps wobbly. On any other day, John wouldn’t have minded. But he was in a less than stellar mood as is, and didn’t want to deal with an injured kid on top of that.

“Off the wall please,” He said, Jemmy turning around and acknowledging that he had heard him, only to continue walking without hopping down. Mary-Eleanor gave a short giggle from the other side of John, who huffed.

“James Brennan Laurens, both feet on the ground _right now_.” He tried, his voice raised.

It worked, but Jemmy didn’t look up from the ground as he got off the wall and fell into step with John on the sidewalk, both hands shoved in the center pocket of his hoodie.

“Why’re you in a bad mood?” He said quietly, eyes on the pavement.

“Adult stuff,” John replied, grateful when he saw the elementary school building come into view on the other side of the crosswalk they were approaching.

Jemmy gave him a short nod, rocking on his heels as they waited to be able to cross the street.

“Last week at therapy Miss Sanders said sometimes all the stuff that happened in South Carolina makes me feel older like I'm an adult, even though I’m just a kid.” He said, the light changing before John could respond. Though his tone had been lighthearted, he felt like he had just been kicked in the stomach. Even more so when Jemmy picked up his pace as they crossed the street, heading off towards the doors of the school without so much as a goodbye, Mary-Eleanor letting go of John’s hand to follow him.

John hesitated before calling out for him, Jemmy turning around before he hit the steps, “I love you, I’m sorry I was snappy.” He said, feeling a little better when the nine-year-old ran back to give him a tight hug and mumble _’love you too Jack’_ into his shirt before disappearing into the building.  
~~~  
The day passed rather uneventfully, aside from Alex and Lafayette acting scandalized during lunch when John accidentally let it slip it was his birthday and promptly insisted that it wasn’t a big deal. Which it really wasn’t. All things considered, turning twenty didn't mean a whole lot when he more or less had the responsibilities of someone twice his age.

But, he couldn’t deny that he found himself grinning at his phone later that night when a text came through from Eliza “warning him” that Alex was scheming something for Thursday. Even if he did hold no regard for his birthday, the closer it got to Thursday the more he looked forward to whatever it was he was planning, the only details Alex had given him being to meet outside of his apartment at 7:30.

“You should bring him upstairs so we can shovel talk him,” Harry said and laughed from the doorway of the bathroom where John, who shot him a glare, was pulling his hair back into a loose ponytail.

“Absolutely not.” He said and nudged past him when he was done, both Harry and Martha hot on his trail as he checked his phone. 7:27.

“Wait,” Martha said, her tone of voice making John uneasy. “He doesn’t know, does he?”

Harry sucked in a breath, and while John was grateful to see when he turned around that their expressions were teasing more than they were anguished, this still wasn’t a conversation he particularly wanted to have.

“It’s not that I don’t want to tell him. But it’s- we aren’t anything near an actual relationship anyways.” He said awkwardly, relieved when they seemed to accept that answer, John giving him a sarcastic pat on the shoulder.

“Go get em’ tiger.” She said and Harry winked, John rolling his eyes and doling out what felt like one hundred and one good night hugs to the younger kids out the door and down the steps to leave the building, the sight that met him in front of his building leaving him at a complete loss for words.

Alex was standing on the sidewalk, his face mostly obfuscated by the colorful array of balloons he was clutching, John’s cheeks flushing red when a passerby looked between the two of them with a coy smile.

“You’re ridiculous” He finally said after a moment, laughing as he made his way to him,gently pushing some of the balloons out of the way so he could see Alex’s face. He looked mighty proud of himself, John suddenly realizing how close he had come to touching his face and taking a small step back. 

Alex’s eyes averted to above his head, John furrowing his eyebrows together when an amused look crossed his face. “Your neighbors seem to think it’s cool.” Alex said and John turned around, nearly shouting when his eyes focused on Jemmy, Mars, and Harry leaning out the window of their apartment, all three of them giggling. Since they were thankfully too high up for Alex to clock that all three of them looked strikingly similar to John, he swallowed and tried to take it in stride, waving up to them with a smile.

“Where exactly are we going anyway?” John asked as he turned back around, Alex only grinning.

“You’ll see, but get a photo with me first? I realized we don’t have any.” He said, using his free hand to pull his phone out of his pocket and swipe open to his front-facing camera. John leaned over his shoulder, the image looking back at him on the screen getting to him in a way he hadn’t expected. In the front-facing camera of Alex’s phone, he looked like every other 20-year-old college student in New York City. And even though these were the moments of normalcy he had craved since August, the weight of the fact that they were essentially a lie still lingered on his shoulders. 

Sliding his phone back into his pocket, Alex hesitated for a moment before holding his free hand out from his side, and even though it was starting to get dark out John could see the tint of red in cheeks. Wordlessly, he took Alex’s hand in his own, interlocking their fingers like had on Saturday as they walked down the street, laughing to himself at them appearing to have just walked off the set of Up, the balloons Alex was holding bobbing between them.

After quite a bit more walking than he’d been expecting and a subway ride they were in front of a restaurant John recognized from the first and only time he had ever ventured into midtown with the kids, a colorful sign affixed to the door reading _Sugar Factory_. He let Alex lead him inside, not thinking to let go of his hand as they made their way to where Eliza and Lafayette were sitting at a table in the back.

“Happy birthday mon ami!” Lafayette said and got up to pull him into a hug, Eliza noticing that John had to let go of Alex’s hand to hug back and cocking an eyebrow at him from her own seat. She waited until he walked off to talk to a waiter about something before lowering her voice, John averting his eyes sheepishly. 

“Is there something you need to tell us?” She said, her and Lafayette wearing matching curious smiles. John shrugged, suddenly more interested in messing with his napkin than he was in his friends sitting across from him.

“No,” He started, not liking the octave his voice went to. “It’s- it’s really nothing. Not anything we’ve talked about anyway.” He continued and before Lafayette or Eliza could question him further Alex had returned, sliding into John’s side of the booth. 

The night flowed on, and John thought absentmindedly that he hadn’t celebrated his birthday, at least like this, in a long time. The year before this one in South Carolina he was juggling a nine-month-old and a contentious custody trial for the kids. And before that he hadn’t celebrated his birthday since he was now soberly realizing, he was 14- his last birthday before Eleanor died.

But he didn’t want to think about that now, especially not when a waiter was approaching their table with some sort of massive dessert concoction with two sparklers sticking out of it. It was set down in front of him, and after a loud rendition of Happy Birthday that almost drove him to emotional tears, Alex stuck out his arm to stop him from reaching for a spoon.

“I know you can’t blow out the sparklers, but you still have to make a wish first.” He said and John closed his eyes, trying to wrack his brain for a wish. After a few long seconds, he settled on one, repeating in his head before re-opening his eyes and reaching back across Alex to grab a spoon and dig in.  
~~~  
Alex insisted on walking him back home when they were done for the night, the pair walking down the street in comfortable silence, John’s arm looped around one of Alex’s. And while the silence wasn’t awkward, it still felt weighted. He considered bringing up the elephant in his mind, that he hadn’t been sleeping on Saturday night and that he also felt something that he didn’t quite know what to do with whenever he was around. But he didn’t, gently pulling his arm away as they approached his building. 

“I really can't thank you enough.” He said, Alex giving him a warm smile and passing the balloons to him to take inside.

“It's not a problem John. You deserve to be as happy as, I think, you were tonight.” He said softly, and John was glad his face was mostly hidden by the balloons he was holding because- dammit, it wasn’t just a small crush. He was half tempted to throw caution to the wind, pretend they were in an A24 movie and kiss him. But this wasn’t a movie. So he settled for pushing the balloons out of his face so Alex could see him smile and say thank you again, a beat of silence passing between them before John finally turned to head inside.

As he got closer to his unit he could hear the familiar sound of Frances whining, taking a moment to catch his breath and shake himself out of how he had spent the last three hours before opening the door. He was met with Martha on the couch, Frances sitting in her lap and crying with her nose running and fingers in her mouth.

“She woke up to you not being here and flipped out,” Martha supplied, John setting the balloons down by the door and slipping off his shoes. 

Frances noticed him walking over, but didn’t seem reassured by him simply having come back, continuing to cry as she pulled her hands out of her mouth and reached out to him.

“Daddy wen’ away.” She said through sobs as he picked her up, her small hands holding tight to the fabric of his shirt. Walking in circles around the couch trying to get her to stop wailing, John felt a pit growing in his stomach. No matter how much he wanted to be more than fine with Alex- or just have a normal college coming of age story like every other twenty-year-old, it wasn’t something that was truly attainable. That he’d even considered those things a priority made him feel horrible, his guilty conscience stirring up a memory that hadn’t crossed his mind in months.

_He rushed to the hospital as soon as her social worker had called him, giving the couple sitting with him in the waiting room an awkward wave. Even though he knew Martha giving up the baby was for the best, there was still something about the situation that made him uncomfortable, something he couldn’t quite place. Shaking the feeling off, he slowly pushed open the door to her room, Martha giving him a panic-stricken look when he entered._

_“I’m scared.” She said quietly, John dragging a chair over and sitting down next to her bed, grasping her hand in his._

_“You didn’t get this far to give up now.” He said softly and she gave him a weak nod, wincing in pain and squeezing his hand._

_The next two hours went by in a blur, and before John could really fully process what he had just witnessed, a nurse was placing a screaming baby into Martha’s arms. He was more focused on Martha than he was on the baby though, leaning back to grab a tissue and blot some of the sweat off her face. As he pulled away she started to hyperventilate, John panicking._

_“What’s wrong?” He said, his mind running through a million possibilities- all of them ending in his friend dying in front of him whilst holding her baby. The nurse still in the room turned around, but before she could rush over Martha put a hand up to stop her, meeting eyes with John skittishly._

_“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”_

_John blinked, it taking him a moment to fully process why Martha seemed to be completely melting down if it wasn’t health-related. The newborn in her arms had stopped screaming, looking between John and Martha with a dazed expression, her dark eyes curious. Her hair was a similar shade to her eyes, which complimented her olive-toned skin, a realization that made John pause. Martha and Rich Oslo were both nearly-white blonde and had paper-thin pale skin to boot. Which could only mean one thing._

_Martha had started talking again, but he could barely make out what she was saying through her tears, and the fact that he was laser-focused on the baby girl staring back at him, who he was quickly realizing was his own flesh and blood- not Rich Oslo’s like Martha had been telling everyone for the past nine months. The baby girl that he couldn’t possibly let go home with strangers. Even though he knew it was going to throw his case for getting custody of the kids into a tailspin, John couldn’t just leave her._

_Not now. Not ever._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> backstory backstory woo!!! 
> 
> next chapter: john’s journey with his priorities continues, and thanksgiving at the schuyler’s with a certain sister back from studying abroad in london.

**Author's Note:**

> anddd we're off! pls come chat in the comments, this story is my baby and i'm so excited to start sharing her with y'all. also if you know which niche subreedit "school of the dining room table" was pulled from, we're automatically besties no take-backs. 
> 
> best,
> 
> Y.A.


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